That 000000 & ffffff || Matty Healy

Is It The Same For You?

"Was he so drunk he assumed I've changed race?" I say pointing out the obvious difference in our skin tones. "I was the one that was so drunk I couldn't fucking walk. You two looked me in the eyes and lied to me. I was in the other room. I heard everything."

"Then you know I'm not lying," she pleads and. Alright. He said my name. But they both kept this from me. "We didn't want to hurt you - fuck Brian, I didn't want to hurt you, Marcy I love you, you're my best friend... you were my best friend. I couldn't stand to see you hurt." The thing with loved ones is, you want to believe what they're saying, you want to believe that they're the innocent ones because you can't stand to believe they would ever do something so wrong, so deviant and so deceitful, something that would break your heart and shatter your soul. So maybe I was leaning on her side, maybe I was trying to find solace in what she was saying because maybe I was tired of trying to avoid her.

Maybe I was being a bit too harsh with her - I mean, I'm happy now, I shouldn't hold grudges anymore, right?

So I let her talk me out. I listened to her and laughed when she mumbled an inside joke that I can't believe she hadn't forgotten yet and then I said something stupid but god, I meant it, "I never got to thank you...Jamie told me you called the ambulance...I supposed I'd have died...for good, had you not called when you did."

Her eyes had gone wide and her hand flew to her chest, "Marcy that was the scariest day of my life. I knew I've done you wrong, god it was honestly the least I could do. I never want to go through that again," because she had been the one in so much pain that day, right? "I'm so sorry you lost the baby."

"There was no baby," I told her, sipping on the soda Louise had given me. At her confused expression, I tried to explain, "It ... it wasn't really, um, you know... a baby," and she must have seen how uncomfortable I was getting. I don't understand how I can easily talk about this to Matty - to my friends, but explaining it to Natalie made me almost anxious to think back on that day. My heart had been pounding and I tried to slow my breathing and -

"Alex is gay," she said and it startled the hell out of me.

"Big, brolic, aggressive Alex?" I questioned before realizing I had already known this, "Jamie slept with him." Her eyebrows shot up so high it was comical.

"He came out at his own bachelor party," she told me. He had been three years older than us, but even if he wasn't gay, I wouldn't have thought him one to settle down so early, so a stag party threw me off for a moment.

It's not until later that I've realized she had averted my panic attack and soon we were reminiscing about high school and talking about the people we use to know, the shows we used to watch, the movies we used to talk about, the music we used to listen to...

"Matty Healy, right? I saw the instagram picture yesterday," She told me, eyes bright with excitement. "Fuck, he's hot, you lucky bitch." And I tried not to compare this to what she's said about Brian in the past. Back then, I held pride in what she was saying - Brian was good looking and I was lucky to have him. I didn't know it was jealousy - and even then I wasn't sure if what she was saying about Matty was jealousy or genuine praise. "How long has that been going on? How'd you meet?" and when I told her the events, she seemed to put a few things into perspective: "Shit...Marc, was he...I thought it was Brian, you know, who might have been the dad...but it's Matty isn't it?" I shrugged because I didn't know and I never will know. I was trying not to dwell on it, I thought I'd gotten over it, but my hand found its way under my shirt, fingers grazing lightly against my scar.

I spilt a lot of things about our relationship - things that only my closest friends new, and I fucking couldn't even help myself. It was like we were in high school and I was gushing to her about Brian. But were not in high school and this has nothing to do with Brian. Still, I told her about the festival, she nodded unsurprised but I suppose she had been trying not to show shock, she was treating this as a normal relationship, not one with a pop star. I told her about Stefani and I may have mentioned the coke, but I never delved into details. Those were intimate - things that my friends had put together but never gotten the full story. I know Jamie knows about the coke, but I wasn't sure how much he knows played a roll in our fight. I know Anna knows about the fight, but I don't think she knows about the coke.