Nothing but Heartbreak

25. I'm sorry

I had meant to talk to Harlan. I told myself I'd do it just about everyday. Each day I found an excuse to not reach out to him.

It had now been over a week since we last talked. He had called twice over that time. Both of those calls I let go to voicemail. He never left a message or tried to text me.

Today I would call him.

Maybe.

Ok probably not.

After my talk with Kieran I thought I was ready. I had told myself I couldn't self destruct again. I needed to just talk to Harlan and tell him everything. I was actually excited about the idea, but that excitement went away pretty fast.

Tonight I was planning a pity party. It was Friday and I was going to have some wine and wallow in my loneliness. The loneliness that is only my own fault.

That plan was interrupted when I had gotten home, started to pour myself a glass of wine and there was a knock on my front door.

I couldn't even think about who it could be. When I peaked through the peephole to see Harlan on the other side I was actually shocked. I was used to just ignoring him and him accepting it. I wouldn't talk to him and he wouldn't talk to me either.

It was shitty of me to do but I tended to push people away the best I could.

I opened the door and Harlan stood in front of me completely restless. He was rocking on his heels and he didn't seem to quite know what to do with his hands.

He looked nervous.

"I was thinking." He said not even bothering with a hello.

"Ok?" I said slowly.

"I haven't really stopped thinking since your dads wedding. It's like my brain has just been on nonstop overdrive. I couldn't figure it out. I hadn't been able to figure it out but I think I might have." He rambled.

I didn't exactly know what he was trying to say but I figured it was probably better to do this inside my apartment instead of in the hallway. I just ushered him in and he followed me slightly further into my apartment. I didn't sit anywhere I just stood there inside enough to close the door behind us and give the two of us some privacy.

"I don't know what you are trying to say right now." I gave him a questioning look.

"Why did you say yes?" He blurted out.

I was confused. What was he talking about?

"What?"

"When I asked you to marry me. Why did you say yes?" He asked.

"We we're both drunk. Why does this even matter?" I tried to wave the question off.

"Why did you agree to it Ava?" He pressed.

I had a feeling he knew. He wouldn't be here pressed for the answer if he didn't know what I was going to say.

"Why did you even ask me to get married?" I diverted the question.

I knew why I had done it. I knew exactly how I felt that night.

"Just answer the question." He ran his fingers through his hair obviously frustrated.

"What do you want me to say? We were both drunk, we both agreed to it. It's been so long I don't know why this is so important now. It doesn't change anything. I don't know what you want from me." I sighed.

"I just want you to tell me the truth."

"I was in love with you. Is that what you wanted to hear? I would've agreed to anything you said that night." I deflated right there where I stood, all the energy to keep diverting the question had gone away.

"I didn't ask you that night just because I was drunk. I wanted it to be you. I've always wanted it to be you." Harlan stepped closer to me.

"No, shut up. Please just stop." I pleaded.

I couldn't listen to this. It was too much. I didn't think I could handle hearing the words.

"Please just hear me out."

"You can't just show up and say all these things." I shook my head.

"Ava.." he sighed softly.

"Harlan I have loved you for so long. It's honestly pathetic because all you've done is hurt me. You can't just say you have had feelings for me this whole time. You can't say you had feelings for me when all you've done is try to get into my pants and every other girls pants too. You can't say you have had feelings for me when I spent a whole year watching as you slept with one of my closest friends. You don't do that to someone you care about." I felt the tears start to pool.

I hadn't expected myself to react this way when Harlan finally told me he had feelings for me. I had thought I was ready to be with him but hearing him say he had feelings for me this whole time triggered something in me. I couldn't stop all the words I wished I had said to him all these years finally come out.

"I'm sorry, I wish I could change things." He frowned.

"Sorry doesn't fix everything. I always gave you a pass. I allowed you to break me and I never blamed you. I figured you didn't care for me the way I did for you. You had no idea what you were doing to me. How can you say you cared about someone and then hurt them like that? How can you even say you cared at all when you never cared about how you could be breaking my heart?" I snapped.

I was doing it again. I knew I was doing it but yet I was just standing there letting myself ruin my one chance at happiness again.

If I hated him then he couldn't hurt me the way I knew he could.

I watched the defeated look on Harlan's face. I felt the guilt start to seep in.

I'm sorry Harlan.

I'm sorry I couldn't be the girl you need me to be.

A/n:

I could've been mean and just leave it here and make you all wait but I'm feeling extra nice today...... so you get double uploads today :)

-Cora Leigh