The Circus Diary

HOPEFUL

May 14, Between Acts in the Circus

What a funny thing to write, but it's true! This is the break between the first and second half of the show, and Uncle Victor isn't making me work at the merchandise table. Yet. Maybe he's waiting until I turn sixteen in July, or maybe he thinks making me the assistant in his Clown act is sufficiently humiliating, at least until I turn sixteen in July.

I think he just wants to give me time to do schoolwork.

I haven't told him I finished it before I came. Thanks a lot, drawn-out-divorce and shared-custody and home-school.

I think I'll get over this initial shock, but seeing elephants and tiny ponies and hearing Polish spoken constantly may take some getting used to! At least here I can let myself release and let go. It's awesome. I have so much time to think and relax. No pressure. I'm going to let the gentle chaos of the Circus heal.

Sometimes, being alone feels like a physical, burning ache. Which is ironic, because my tiny room in a trailer is surrounded by lots of other trailers on the platz.

At least here, no one knows anything about me. It's a new page, just like when I turned to another new page in this diary. I'm a blank slate full of possibility. It gives me hope that I'll be capable of love someday. Maybe I won't be too bitter or jaded by my parents. Maybe someone special will make me believe in something better than I can even imagine.

I feel like a shattered vessel being shaken. But it makes strange and beautiful music.

May 15, In the sun, drinking hot cocoa

There are so many things I want to say to my parents. I'm angry and run through a million and one what ifs and wonder what might happen in the future. I worry what might happen in the future.

I can't wait to leave spring behind. Especially the Divorce Week. I can't believe that was only last week.

It was what it was. Dramatic. Exhausting. Full of moments and the hurt that happens in between.

But it's getting easier. I'm going to get over it all. Oh, no, out of time.

Must do show in the Circus.

Later, Before the intermission

I'm sitting in the sun with my hot cocoa. Again. I feel like it's been days of that. We have a break after the Clown act: Tangled Tango. What a cheesy name, but if you knew my Uncle, you'd know how on-brand it is and not just because of the ridiculous amount of curly clown wigs or the music to go with it. We have to appear for our bows with all the other Circus performers in a Finale at the end of the show. In between, all I do is sit around and eat and write in my diary.

Not a bad life, actually.

Amazing that all through this time—my whole life—I've always heard that God is good, but I've never had to think about believing it.

I'm blowing a dead dandelion and it's beautiful, blowing away in the wind. And the sky is beautiful. The sun feels so much warmer when there's a cool breeze. Fluffy, weightless clouds...

Even later, On a bumpy truck ride

My new diary title: The (Ultimate) Life Hangover Cure: THE CIRCUS.

I'm just in the truck with Pavel. He's Polish, but he's nice. And he must be trustworthy because Uncle Victor pointed to his truck the first night and waved without looking back. Apparently, my benevolent uncle loves me enough to give me a job for the summer while my parents recover from their failed marriage, but I guess he doesn't want to spend hours driving every night with his moody teenage niece.

Well, that makes two of us. Uncle Victor listens to Classical music. I don't particularly like listening to music that swells my emotions too vividly, and I definitely don't want to talk about how I feel about my parents getting a divorce. The attempt at that conversation started and ended on day one. I think it was right before I fainted.

Anyways.

The grumpy trainer for the Trapeze act is in the front seat, and it's nice because I'm in the huge backseat and can stretch out and just listen to music and write in my diary, even if my letters are jagged whenever we go over a bump too quickly.

Circus life is busy. We travel to a new town almost every day! We have to wait for the tent workers to take down the Circus tent each night, so we don't leave until about 11:30pm. If it's a longer journey, in which case we leave at 4am so they set up right away when we arrive. Not fun. I can't complain about the hours because I can go straight to bed for the rest of the morning. What a tough job they have!

Circus life is also pretty dangerous. We just crashed into the side of another truck with a clown face on the side and that's why there's that squiggly line down the page. I don't know which is more dangerous...the Polish driving the trucks or a daring German woman riding her elephants past us before the Finale! I can almost hear Mom and Dad's collective breathe of anxious worry. Wait. Not together. I guess from now on, they take anxious, worried breaths apart.

Crazy Circus distractions are helping while I get my life in order. Starting with my heart by writing and reading and distracting myself by listening to good music.

Anything but Classical.

So here I am. In a bumpy truck, with a cough and a nose that won't stop running, cold feet and away from anyone I've ever known. How can my heart feel sad about love when I've never fallen in it?

But in some ways, I'm as happy as a clam. I nearly want to laugh, but they'd all think I'm crazy.

And Pavel's still upset about the collision.

I had my first shower tonight. It took so long for me to figure out when was a good time for it, and I wasn't going to ask my independence-bequeathing Uncle for help. See, the thing is, it's tricky to get in there between the time when the water hoses get hooked up in the morning and when the rest of the cast in my trailer isn't using it. But now I feel settled, with my endless supply of hot chocolate and cocoa powder (because hot cocoa is hot chocolate mix plus a spoonful of cocoa) and a kettle (proof dear Uncle cares about me), books and music (thanks to my bibliophile mother and record producer father). Enough to last a lifetime in the Circus.

Circus.

I have never laughed so much in my life. Ever. It must just be a crazy Circus thing. I find myself happier than I've ever been. I feel like flying! I made it!