"i'm crazy but you like that" - skins

Episode 9.1

"All I'm saying is that it's absolutely typical." My mum ranted from the kitchen.

Michelle and I were sat on the sofa beside each other as she argued, and I suddenly felt like we were young kids again.

"What do you mean 'it's typical'?" Michelle argued my case. "I don't think she's ever had her head smashed in with a rock before!"
"Well, it's the exact kind of situation that happens in Josephine's reckless life."

"Mum!" Michelle began yelling. "She had to get her skull stitched because someone knocked her out with a fucking rock! Who do you think you are acting like this is her fault?"
"Well, of course it isn't. Nothing ever is." My mother spoke sarcastically, as I sat silently staring at the wall, without the energy to argue with anyone.
"Are you serious?" Michelle snapped.
"Yes, Michelle, I am. Are you really going to blag me that it wasn't her fault in the slightest? That there was no illegal drugs taken, no fights, no unnecessary amounts of alcohol?" My mum blamed me.
"That doesn't matter!" Michelle blindly defended.

"Yes, it does." Our mother insisted. "These situations are not a normal occurrence for the average teenager. But - for some reason - when I receive the call from the hospital informing me that my seventeen-year-old daughter has had her head smashed in with a bloody rock in some woods that I had no idea she was at in the first place, I'm not even remotely surprised."
Michelle sighed, starting to feel as though she was losing the argument, especially as my cold mother continued. "I'll be more sympathetic when Josephine sorts her life out. When she stops with the drinking and the smoking and the drugs that she thinks I don't know about and the sleeping with countless randoms. Quite frankly, I'm done with the hassle."

"Your daughter was lay in the hospital and it was hassle for you?" Michelle yelled again as my mother began pouring herself a glass of wine.
"Yes, it was." She shrugged.
"You really are shit, you know that?" Michelle hissed before standing, and then grabbing my arm and pulling me up as well, really making me feel like I was a helpless ten-year-old. "Let's go."

Michelle marched us to the door and swung it open. She gently pushed me out of it before spinning round to say to our mother who was now chugging from the glass, "and it's a bit rich of you to insult anyone for sleeping with countless randoms, isn't it? We learned from the worst."
And then she slammed the door on our mother's insulted face and we stormed away from the house.

***

Michelle and I had walked to a lake near to our house and sat on the bench that overlooked it.
The sun was shining on it and the sky was blue, but everything felt completely miserable.

I reached into my pocket and grabbed a joint that I'd rolled in the hospital and a lighter that was in with it, and lit it up.

"Are you feeling okay?" Michelle anxiously checked.
"Uh, tired. Pissed off." I told her.
"I'm angry as well. I can't believe she did that to you." She sighed, and then spoke again. "You want to know something?"
"What?"
"I sat in this exact spot, almost exactly two years ago, with Effy. I told her about you. I predicted that you two would be such trouble together if you both ended up at college, and that you'd be so close. I can't believe that this is where we are two years later." She shook her head as she spoke.
I sighed, thinking back to the incident in the woods. "It was my fault."
"Jofie!" She scolded. "It is not! Don't be so ridiculous."
I sighed for a second time, letting the scenario unfold in my head, making me feel shameful. "Chelle, it kind of was."

Michelle eyed me. "How so? What could justify this?"
"We took those shrooms, and then Cook and I argued. I went into the woods on my own, but I bumped into her, and she was tripping... bad. I made it worse. I wound her up and intentionally made her more paranoid and then... then I got really fucking angry about everything."
"And?" Michelle pressed, knowing the worst was about to come.
"And I was horrible. I just... saw red. I shouted at her and I was really shitty to her and... and I pushed her. And then slapped her... several times." I looked down towards my feet as I spoke.
Michelle sighed, unable to argue that it wasn't my fault. I was at least partially to blame. "Right," was all she could say as she looked out at the lake.
"Yeah... I mean, I hate her, but I don't blame her for what she did." I admitted.

"Don't get me wrong, I hate her right now as well, but I have to ask: do you actually hate her?" Michelle questioned.
"What are you on about?"
"I honestly think that part of me was right, and that you two could be amazing friends. You're so similar. And I just think that you may have automatically hated her just because she's Tony's sister, and he hurt me. And I love you for that, but I don't want you to hate her for it." My sister explained.

"That doesn't matter now, anyway. She's fucked me over so much since then, I really do hate her either way now."
"Remember that you've fucked her over as well, yeah?" Michelle reminded me. "The reasons that you hate her, she hates you for as well. She slept with the one guy you've ever loved, and you did the same to her. You messed with her while she was tripping and attacked her, and she retaliated and hit you with a rock. Maybe you're even."
I scoffed. "The nine stitches in my head tell me that we aren't even."

"I know you think she's evil, but she's just... broken. The same as you can be. And I know her well enough to know that she'd never mean to physically hurt someone like that. You said yourself that you don't blame her, right?"

"You really want us to work this out, don't you?" I raised an eyebrow at my sister.
"I've always thought it could be an amazing friendship, and I'm usually right. I just don't want you to hate anyone because of Tony. He's done enough damage without it spreading elsewhere." She winced as she spoke about him.
"I guess." I sighed. "What's going on with you there anyway?"
"I really can't talk about it right now. It's a complete emptiness when you think that you've found the person that you're going to spend your life with, and all of a sudden, you realise that they're not - and will never be - that person at all. There's so much hurt there still, I really can't speak to anyone about it."
"That's fair enough." I shrugged.

"But you." My sister diverted the conversation. "You have a boy that declared his love for you, that you're in love with as well. You two have an entire future together if you get your shit together and just trust for once. Stop being bitter, stop being resentful, and go and get him!" Michelle encouraged. "And I really do think that you should let go of the grudge with Effy as well."
"I'll think about it." I assured her, as I allowed her to tightly hug me. "Thank you for coming home, Chelle."
"Of course." She kissed me lightly on the top of my head. "You want to come shopping with me?"
"No, I think I'm just going to sit here for a while." I told her.
"Okay. I'll see you back at mums, yeah?" She stood up.
"If I go back." I rolled my eyes even thinking about my mother's reaction to my hospitalisation.
"Well, I wouldn't blame you if you didn't." She grinned as she walked away. "I'll see you somewhere!"

***

I sat in the exact same spot for thirty minutes, looking out over the lake that my sister had apparently sat with Effy and discussed me several years before.

I took out my phone, eagerly checking for messages or missed calls from a specific person.
I hadn't heard from Cook at all since we'd argued, and it had been nearly twenty four hours.
Naomi had told me that he'd disappeared at midnight, and I'd messaged him repeatedly since, with no responses.
I was desperate to hear from him.

I tried his number again, but it was the same as the last eleven times that I'd rang.
Switched off.

I caved and dialled Freddie's number.

"Jofie? Are you okay? Naomi told me what happened! I didn't want to pester you with calls if you were still in hospital." He rushed.
"Yeah, I'm fine. It's fine." I shrugged.
"I've been so worried." He sighed a sigh of relief.
"Thanks, Fred." I smiled. "Have you heard from Cook?"
Freddie sighed, a long drawn out sigh this time. "He's gone with Effy."
I felt it like a punch in my chest, but I attempted to put on a brave face, even over the phone. "Well, that's nice of him." I sarcastically remarked.
"Jofie, they're gone gone." Freddie reiterated.
"What are you on about?"
"They've left. I have no idea where they are. They've ran off together."
My heart sank a million miles down to the bottom of my stomach. "Oh. Gone." I repeated, unable to find the words for the hurt that I felt in that moment. It made a rock to the skull and nine stitches feel like a meditation session.
"Yeah." Freddie confirmed.

I tried to make other words come out, but I couldn't.
I said nothing else, just hung up the phone, and sobbed on the bench by the lake.