Endosymbiosis

37. Tremble

"I'm sorry..." This was all I managed to say, in a weak but sincere whisper.

"Don't be. This happened many decades ago." Deinos revealed, almost as if he was no longer able to be shaken by this. "The memories don't hurt me anymore... But they keep me on this side of the war."

And I still wondered if this was the right side for me...

With those last words, Deinos turned and walked out of the tent, just as Arkadi entered it.

I flew my eyes back to work, organizing the iatric supplies in an attempt to pretend that there was no one there with me. But Arkadi wanted to be noticed.

He sat down on the gurney I was lining, with a petulant look in his eyes that was impossible to ignore.

"I imagine that if my neck is in danger, you won't save me." My eyes glared at him, but his smile was bulletproof.

"My job doesn't care about my preferences." I pushed him out of the way. "I wouldn't let you die... Even though I hate you."

"I'll try not to get to that point."

I sent him a look over my shoulder.

"Why are you going in the first place?"

"I would not accept a reward that I had not fought to deserve." He replied, probably lying.

"You should let the fevino fight in your place, then. He's better at saving you both than you are." I tried to mask my attempt to protect him with the offense, but he did not care.

"He wouldn't know how to differentiate enemies from allies. So better save him for emergencies..." As if a battle wasn't emergency enough. But I wasn't going to say it out loud.

Silence fell in the tent as I paced back and forth, arranging everything for the future wounded.

When I thought Arkadi was gone, he muttered:

"Speaking of fevino... I should take my next dose today..."

I stared at him.

"So that's why you remembered me today? To use me?" Deep down, I knew I didn't care that he needed me... But that he hadn't needed me until now.

"Don't act like you're not using me either. I only learned from the best."

I snorted and moved away to line a gurney on the other side of the tent.

"I said humans are great parasites, Arkadi. You should have gotten used already to your own nature."

"And now that you don't need me anymore, I'm worth as much as dead to you, don't I?" He growled and, silently, I squeezed the fabric until my knuckles turned just as white.

Arkadi let out a frustrated sigh and turned to leave the tent, but then I felt a great weight sink in my consciousness. How could I let him go like that, given the chance he might never come back? I closed my eyes tightly and let the words escape me before he could leave:

"I'll give you the dose." I heard his footsteps stop. "If you survive."

And then he left.

• • • ֍ • • •

That night everyone had to sleep huddled together in a white tent that was bigger than the rest. Parts of the fabric on the ceiling had been replaced with clear plastic so we could see the sky when enemy ships crossed our camp, and it wasn't long before the very glow of the stars made me nauseous.

The lull was fragile, temporary... As if, at any moment, some ship scrutinizing this world would distrust the white patterns on the snow and fire at us until nothing but our blood was left to paint the winter white. If they saw us, there would be nothing we could do but die. And the more I stared up at the stars from where our end could come at any moment, the more I got nauseous.