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"Insomnia" Bang Chan (Stray Kids)

My heart feels like a heavy anchor pulling me further and further down into my bed. I don't want to fall asleep. I don't want to sleep because I don't want to dream. I don't want another dream of him. With the weight of my broken heart keeping me down, I simply stare up, seeing the moonlight reflect and dimly shine throughout my room. I don't want to wake up to another day without him.

The gentle lighting brought tears to my eyes as it reminds me even more of him - his gentle eyes and gentle words and gentle hands. Years have passed, but I still can't get over him. I can't forget how perfect I found him back then and how perfect I know he still is. A tear spills across my face as I wish for another chance.

I yearn to look out my window; where is my shooting star? When will I be able to make a wish and see it come true? When will I be able to go back in time and be with him again? When can I be with him for real? When will it be more than a dream? When will I wake up happy to be awake instead of wishing my dreams with him were reality?

I'm pathetic, I want to laugh at myself. It's been almost seven years; I should be over him. I shouldn't be waiting for a star to let me be with him again. Even if I haven't met anyone who makes me as happy as he made me and the memories of him still make me, I shouldn't hang onto a hope of him like this. I can't.

Yet my dreams betray me, so I try my best not to sleep as the moon rises. In my dreams, we're together again. I can hold his warm, strong hands once more. I can feel his presence and smile light up my world. His laughter tingles my ears and his voice soothes away my problems. In my dreams, we're happy together - just like we used to be. As if the last seven years haven't happened yet. As if I took a time machine back to when everything was perfect for us.

Back before he became a trainee, before he moved away, before he was banned from dating, before we had to separate. 

"Please, don't let me fall asleep." Every night, I beg the moon to let me keep it company. 

Sleep is always bittersweet to me. It brings me joy as it lets me relive our times together; but, it breaks my heart every morning as I wake up to my reality without him. And I'm not sure I can survive another heartbreak. Another tear trembles across my face. He'll debut soon, and then the whole world will fall in love with him. I should be happy that he's achieving his lifelong dream. 

But with the moonlight shifting across my room, I feel hopeless despair. I am becoming the pitiful moon in love with the sun. The moon who spends  every night chasing after the sun, unsuccessfully stuck alone on the other side of the world. Everyday the sun shines brightly without the moon; but, the moon is nothing if it does not reflect the sun's light. The moon needs the sun, but the sun does not need the moon. And, I am starting to think that I am no different.

Everyday, Chan gets closer and closer to achieving his dream. And every night, I'm just holding onto each and every memory I have of him.