Saudade | Loubbie

Chapter Ten

Lou sat, "Nothing. I just want to apologize for earlier. I get it. I was so insensitive about your feelings." She stared at Debbie, "Swear, Julia is not replacing you or anything. She's not taking Danny away from you too."

Just the mention of Julia's name made Debbie's skin uncomfortable. She wanted to undress herself out of jealousy because she was pretty exhausted. She knew what she did was wrong - leaving Lou and Danny was the biggest regret that she had to think about each night. But she was here now - ready to correct her mistakes, ready to make everything right, and ready to win Lou back, but how could she when Lou had Julia already? To say that her heart was crumpled into pieces seeing Julia with her family was an understatement. She felt like her heart was a glass and Lou was the one holding it, but instead of her taking good care of it, Lou dropped it from a skyscraper.

"Is she just a friend, Lou?"

Debbie took a step by asking a such a daring question to the blonde. The question made the blonde paused. The silence enveloping them both was so uncomfortable and in that moment, Debbie wanted to rewind time and if she could, she would not ever ask that question. They stared at each other for a few seconds and even if Lou didn't answer her yet; Debbie already knew who was Julia in Lou's life.

"Do you have whiskey?" Debbie broke the ice and laughed when Lou didn't answer her, "We could drink. And it would help you sleep."

"Right." Lou stood up awkwardly and went to the kitchen.

Debbie was left on the sofa. She shouldn't have asked that question for it just made the space awkward. It was so foolish of her to ask  and now, sitting on the sofa, she felt like her breaths weren't doing her good. An enormous amount of weight clouded her heart and her veins delivered her so much dysphoria. She wanted to cry, but she knew she shouldn't. What would she expect? It's been three years. She was so caught up in her own thought that she didn't even notice that Lou came back. Lou handed her a glass to which she took right away. And just like earlier, Lou sat beside her before she let the immense silence of the night enveloped them both.

"She's very special to me, Deb."

Debbie looked at Lou and when she did, Lou was smiling from ear to ear. It was as if she was tasting the sweetness of how special Julia was for her. Her voice was so soft and it stabbed Debbie's heart. Lou looked at her, her whole face lighted and Debbie just wanted to walk away, because that glow was also the one she saw when Lou was waiting for her at the altar. With the way Lou spoke about her, it made her think that Lou was trapped in a summer garden, where meadows were so green and lilies and vandas grew, while she, she was stuck in a winter nightmare, with no clothes to shield her from the cold.

"She's very special." Lou uttered once more, "She brought me back to life. She made everything around colorful. She gave me hope when I thought there was none." Lou spoke, her eyes up in the ceiling; she spoke about her with so much affection, and Debbie was silently dying beside her. A small laugh escaped from Lou's lips before she looked at Debbie, "She loved me during the nights when I wasn't even lovable, Debs. She's very special." She added, her voice melted with so much sentiments.

It hit her. Lou had already found someone better than her. And what broke her heart even more was the fact that Lou was very oblivious that in every phrase of love that she spoke about Julia, she was dying. The unfathomable  amount of sadness and emptiness crept into the insides of Debbie's veins. Her skin crumpled and silently shouted its pleas. Debbie's eyes welled with tears, but she masked it away. Instead, she drunk and emptied the whiskey on her glass before she looked at her once more, and she smiled.

"She's your girlfriend?" She asked, smiling as if she was happy about the thought of it.

Lou bit her lip, giggling at the idea, "Not yet." She paused and laughed, "But she will be."

The realization came up. While Debbie was hopefully clinging to their past, Lou had already left her in the highway. Lou was no longer in the same chapter that she was; Lou was already on the other side of book. Debbie hadn't moved yet. She was still locked in same greek tragedy - overreading the same wrong lines perpetually. If she had known that it was a chore to love her, she would have liberated her weary bones from all that errands. All the same, if Lou didn't move on and if Lou was  still reading the same lines that she was reading, she'll be holding her hand again, and she would kiss her lips and she would never let go. Not again.

Debbie leaned her head on the backrest of the couch, and when she closed her eyes, she dared to ask another question, "Are you happy, Lou?"

Lou imitated her action, "With what?"

Debbie turned her head to the side to look at the blonde, "With her."

"If being happy means you're no longer crying yourself to sleep, you're no longer questioning your self-worth, not loathing yourself for not being enough, then I am. I am happy, Deb."

"You shouldn't be happy, you know." Debbie sat up straight and looked at Lou. "It shouldn't be that way."

"What do you mean?"

Debbie smiled and she took Lou's hand and held it, "You deserve to be happier." And with that phrase, her tears finally began to fall.

"Hey, don't cry. What's the matter?"

Debbie shook her head. She laughed in front of the blonde as if the echoes of her heart weren't screaming profanities. She laughed and her collarbones came out. The brunette then wiped her tears and looked at the blonde once more.

"I'm happy." She laughed, "I am just happy for you."

Lou stared at her. She knew in her heart that Lou wasn't viewing her in the same way she did anymore. But there was something in Lou's stare that melted her away. The gentleness, the softness, and the warmth were still there. Lou held her hand before she squeezed it.

"Thank you, Debs." She smiled and stood up, "So I guess this is it? Good night?"

Debbie stood up, "Okay." She smiled, "Good night."

The blonde sighed and she gave Debbie a smile before she started walking back to the stairs. Debbie heeaved a deep sigh of dysphoria when Lou stepped back. After a few sighs, Debbie then got the glasses on the table and walked in the kitchen when Lou called her again.

"Deb!"

She turned, "What?"

Lou retreated and walked towards Debbie into the kitchen. With a smile, she held Debbie's hand and she stood in front of her.

"Mahal kita." Lou winked.

"Mahal what? I don't understand."

Lou smiled and after a heartbeat, she pulled the brunette and hugged her. Debbie was shocked and she froze like a pressed rose trapped in between the pages of a book. The hug ended and she wasn't able to hug Lou back for she was shocked.

"Mahal kita. Just remember that."

And with that, Lou walked back and Debbie was left dumbfounded on her spot.

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