Mastering Illusions

16

Sentiment.

The word echoes in my head as I sit on my bed, head in my hands. It's late and the Statesman is already heading toward District 3.

After Mae was shot, we were ushered off the balcony as quickly as possible. Although there was still an event, we ate barely anything and nobody danced. Nobody spoke to me, either, not even Veers. But I didn't care. I didn't want anybody speaking to me. Not at all.

I wanted to be left alone with my silence, wondering what Thanos is going to do to me when we reach Titan. He told me to right the Balance, and I think I'm tipping it further away. That both scares and satisfies me. My words are capable of such reactions, of triggering such emotions, but those words may cost me my life.

The door slides open behind me but I don't turn around. I hear quiet footsteps and then feel the mattress dip down as someone sits beside me, but I refuse to look over at them. I continue to stare at the floor, seeing nothing but Mae's collapsing figure, over and over again. Her words echo in my mind, accusations that I can't block out.

According to her, I should be dead, not Peter.

Despite the fact that I wish that Peter hadn't died, I can't help bristling at that thought. I'm not the one who killed him; Killmonger did. She should be angry with him, not with me. All I did was try to help. All I did was mourn him afterwards, and keep the promise I made him as I died.

I kept all my promises in that arena, and yet somehow, that wasn't good enough.

"Boy, sometimes I can't figure out if you're trying to get yourself killed." I glance over and see Valkyrie sitting beside me, her eyes narrowed slightly.

"No, I'm not trying to get myself killed," I say sullenly, rolling my eyes.

"You're not doing that good of a job at it," Valkyrie remarks. "Your words are inciting people, not calming them."

I don't reply; I just stare at the ground again.

"You can't be two things, Loki," she says quietly. "You can't serve Thanos and mourn Peter's death. Thanos sees value in Peter's death, he sees justification. But I saw you when he died. Not even you could see justification in that moment. You can't play for both sides, Loki. You have to pick one and stick with it." She tilts her head. "Thanos threatened your life if you don't make this right. But sometimes, I wonder if you are trying hard enough."

"I try," I reply softly. "But some of these people...I can't just stand there and say their death signified anything more than pointlessness. How can I say that, when I stand there alive? When Veers stands there alive? I want to live, have no doubt of that. I want to do whatever it takes to ensure that. But at the same idea, I have to wonder if whatever it takes...will be enough."

Valkyrie pats me on the shoulder. "What did I tell you, about the lie you'd be forced to live?" Her voice sounds sad, full of regrets. "Hela told you to lie, didn't she? I hate your sister's advice, but she's right on this one. Lie, Loki. If you want to live, you'll need to lie."

Lie. I lie so often lately. Each one comes easier, smoother, and the sour taste they used to leave now is so faint I barely notice it.

But tomorrow's district is Cassie's home, and how can I tell her mother that her daughter's death served a greater purpose in a pointless game? How can I look Scott Lang in the eye and mean the lies I tell about the Balance and Cassie's role in preserving it?

And after Mae Parker's outburst today, my speech celebrating Thanos and his Balance unravels easily. If the Balance is so important, then I wouldn't be in this mess, for Veers wouldn't have come out of the arena. It would only be me, the Balance wouldn't be disrupted, and there would be no need for this tangle of lies.