Zane Wilder

Chapter 13: ʜᴇᴀʀᴛʙʀᴇᴀᴋ

But I barely knew Zane to just jump to conclusions.

He looked nervous and sad last night and it was probably the cause of his sudden change.

I wanted to believe that what he said by the waterfall was true. That he was being himself.

That did not mean that it didn't hurt. It didn't mean that I didn't care. Because I did.

With watery eyes, I read his answer several times.

None of your business.

None of your business.

He's right...

.........

Two weeks have passed since that conversation. He didn't even call me and each day that passed convinced me more that I made yet another mistake.

I opened my heart to him.

The warnings were there but I ignored them.

Things kept piling up.

First I had to sell my car a few days ago. I didn't get much money for it but enough to survive a few more weeks.

Then I realized that I had my motel room booked for two more days. After that, I'll be on the streets.

I called my cousin Jessie yesterday and she kindly agreed to help me. She even told me that there is a bakery close to her house that is hiring. It would be the perfect opportunity for me.

Somehow I was glad that this happened now because if it was later I would have been more than heartbroken.

I did ask myself why he did that. Why he spoke like that but I knew the answer all along.

He didn't trust me enough to share with me what happened. And as I promised to not press, I didn't.

None of my business, as he said.

Thinking about the way he spoke to me still hurts. I was developing feelings for him, falling hard. His sweet words affected me when they shouldn't have.

I should have known better.

Another thing that broke my heart was an email I received yesterday.

New email

From: careforworld @ email.com

To: katherinew97 @ email.com

Dear Miss Willson,

You have been part of the amazing people that help children in need all around the world. Your contribution for the past six years has been of great help and many children were saved.

Unfortunately, we are forced to discontinue your account as the monthly donation for the past two months has not been given.

In order to not lose your account please wire the amount corresponding to the months of March and April.

If the donation is not done in the next 48h hours from this email your account will be suspended.

Thank you for all your help!

Kind regards,

World For Care Organization

I was a donor to this organization for the past six years and I never missed any month. I lowered the monthly contribution a few times but never failed to pay one.

Seeing that I could no longer afford this shattered my heart. It meant a lot to me, the only thing I was proud of in my life.

I cried once again. Angry tears.

Angry with myself for not being able to do anything well in my life. For not having a stable job.

I forgot about dreams when I had to pay my student loans, my mother's monthly payment, and my father's one.

All that sacrifice and for what? What did I get from that? Nothing but tears and disappointment.

And now I let yet another person get close to my heart. What did I get? A broken heart...

It's not his fault. It was mine.

I had high expectations.

I decided to open my heart.

It was me who opened the door for him.

Maybe I was his escape. Maybe he just needed someone to comfort him for a few days.

Whatever the reason I knew it was over now.

While I was with him I forgot about my messed up life. But also thanks to him I was brought back to reality.

I decided to make one last promise to myself.

Promise to try and fight for this life.

Give my all in the process just one more time.

There should be more to this life than pain right?

I could be alright even without people's love, right?

So I made this whole plan in my mind that had four main goals.

Forget about Zane Wilder

Get a new job

Go back into art

Limit social interaction

Why those goals? Because especially numbers one and four would prevent me from getting hurt.

I think I had enough of that...

Not only my life is a mess but my thoughts too. Filled with inconsistent fragments and full of contradictory arguments.

There are moments when I give in to negative thoughts. When I let the negative voice remind me of how unloved I am. Times when I trust and believe that voice that keeps telling me how useless and how little I achieved in life.

Moments when I remember specific words from my family and relatives. "At your age, I was already married and had two kids".

Other times I remember the voice of my mother saying how useless studying a degree was or in her own words "Look at you, with a useless piece of paper that has put you in debt and jobless".

It is during those times when I find the hardest to accept who I am. And it is during those times as well when I hate myself the most.

The problem with having thoughts is that those same thoughts can be poisonous.

The reality could be altered by your thoughts making you believe scenarios that never happened and will never happen.

And sometimes when the night comes and you're all alone with your thoughts it can be quite scary.

If you try to tell someone they say you're dramatic. They don't believe how much your own thoughts can hurt you.

They don't understand that having bad thoughts can be another form of self-harm.

And if you seek help you need to find the right person. Someone that will treat you as a person and not a patient.

I used the school psychologist after my father left. She didn't help. She didn't try to understand. I was just another teenager going through puberty and was being dramatic over everything.

At that time my sister had depression too, of course, her cause was more important. So I stopped going. They didn't listen anyway.

It's probably the disregard that hurts the most. The fact that they don't believe you are really hurting.

Maybe if there is someone there ready to listen, just listen without judging, you could gather more strength.

But when you're all alone it has to be yourself, the one who does both parts. Be both the listener and the speaker.

I told myself once again. I'm going to be fine. I have to...