A Crowded Place

Chapter 14: Guilt

Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

What had come over me that had prompted me to do those stupid things? Saturday morning saw me curled up in a foetal position on my bed, staring out at the miserable, pouring rain. I noticed how some droplets stuck to the window panes and rolled down, just like the tears that had now stained my cheeks.

I was so ashamed of myself. I couldn't even begin to think about the ways in which I had let everyone down, Aaron especially. I gingerly rose from my bed, wearing a pair of fluffy bunny slippers. I limped toward the bathroom, determined to freshen up a bit before I lost all my motivation for the day.

I peered into the bathroom mirror, and was shocked at the girl I saw. Instead of her usual, put-together look, the girl in the reflection was wearing a head of dishevelled golden curls, like a lion's mane. Under her creased eyebrows were her eyes - big green orbs of self-pity and shame, puffy from crying. Mascara ran down her face like a river of black, and her lips were dry. This girl was not Liv Garner. I refused to believe that.

Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

Did I deserve this? Was acting in the heat of the moment and making an innocent mistake worth all this pain, confusion and sadness? Was it all Jacob's fault instead?

Jacob.

Stupid, stupid guy. Why did I even agree to listen to his performance? Why did he have to make me feel so flustered all the time? It felt like I had cheated on Aaron. My stomach heaved.

No. I banished the thought from my mind resolutely. I lifted my hands and went to work, cleaning myself up and slowly starting to feel like a human being again. I tried to think back to what had happened after the...incident...yesterday. I had gotten back to my dorm, and I had hunched on my bed, dazed and shocked for a few minutes. And then I went to sleep, hoping to 'sleep it off'. Whoever came up with that phrase had obvious never been in my situation before.

But before that, I had gone to Henry's dorm. I had reluctantly dragged myself to his room, with the intent of apologising like any decent person would. I remembered how it went:

'Henry,' I had begun, after he let me in. 'I am so extremely sorry about what you saw just now-'
He waved it off with a light-hearted chuckle. 'It's all good, promise. I was just really confused 'cause I'd never seen you with this guy before and then suddenly he's all hands on you...'
I flushed, chiding myself for how childish and inappropriate I had been. 'It's not what it seems,' I recovered, my tone bordering on indignance. 'Like I said earlier, we were just goofing around. Things just...escalated unexpectedly. It's nothing though; Jacob's only a friend from music.'

Oh. My god. I had just told him Jacob was my friend. Was I serious?

'Ok, ok,' Henry had said defensively, laughing. I allowed myself to laugh with him, relieved for the moment. I was more grateful than I could say that Henry took it all in good stride.

Henry grew up in Hawaii, and the abundance of beaches and water nurtured his love for swimming. He was tan, with short, bleached curls on his head and a muscular body. If I wasn't his friend, I might've thought he was intimidating.

The thing I loved most about Henry, apart from his excellent sense of humor, was how candidly he talked about anything and everything. I felt like I could chat openly about anything to him for hours. But today, we just passed some small talk - we both knew that my mind was on other matters.

Henry insisted that I return to my dorm and get some rest. Before I left though, I flashed him a meek, thankful smile. I hoped he realised how much his reassurance and empathy meant to me.

But once I was left alone to my own thoughts in my dorm, the thoughts came flooding in.

Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. The word seeped into my mind like a Gregorian chant. The tears collected in my eyes, and soon enough, they plopped down one by one. Just like the rain.

So there I was, standing just outside my bathroom, somewhat ready to face the new day with fresh makeup on and a wearing new set of clothes, but also battling an internal conflict.

Ding. A message notification popped up on my phone.

56 unread messages. I had really dissociated myself from the world last night, but now it was time to plunge back into it. The first message I opened was from Alana.

Come to my dorm. Now.