flicker of hope [ziall]

13~dirty laundry

As I layed in bed contemplating everything, I suddenly felt really bad. I definitely overreacted. Zayn doesn't have to tell me anything if he doesn't want to. I hope he isn't upset. It's just been a long and emotional day I guess.

I slowly floated back over to Zayn's room to apologize but I stopped just outside the door when I heard Louis's high pitched voice from inside. I should probably apologize to him as well, but to be fair, he did hit me really hard earlier. I think I have a bit of a right to be a dick to him for a while longer.

"Mate, you made him cry! You have to tell him the truth!" Louis exclaimed.

"That's real sweet coming from the one who nearly punched his dick off earlier" Zayn replied

"I'm serious Zayn"

"I know, I know, but I just can't! I just got him back Louis, you don't understand. I can't lose him again!"

"Well you're going to lose him if you don't tell him"

"But he'll probably get all weirded out!" Zayn groaned. "You've heard him, he's always saying he's incapable of love and doesn't have crushes and all that. He wouldn't ever like me" I froze at Zayn's words. Zayn likes me? That can't be right. There's no way.

"You don't know that Zayn. He is closest with you"

"That's because I'm the only one that can actually acknowledge him as a ghost. Obviously he's going to be closer with me"

"But even before that. He cuddled with you more and stuff. And now you guys are glued to the hip .It's worth a shot at this point. While I like being able to see Niall with my own eyes, I don't like seeing you or him upset."

My thoughts felt like they were going a million miles a minute and I couldn't take it. I floated off as fast as possible away from the door. I don't know how it happened, but I ended up back at the Cliffs of Moher, staring down at the dark water below.

I can't believe Zayn likes me. Me of all people in the world? How is that even possible? He's the hottest person probably in existence and he could probably get anybody he wants. While I'm just me. There isn't really anything special about me. I feel super bad about thinking he didn't trust me this whole time though. In fact, now that I think about everything that's happened in the past couple of months, it was pretty fucking blatant that he liked me, but I guess I was too oblivious to see the signs. It was honestly the last thing I was expecting. He just seemed like a pure soul, to good for anyone. He still is, but some of his behavior makes a bit more sense.

I don't know how to process this information though. I don't know if I could ever do another relationship. Like Zayn is essentially a sexy goddess and also one of the sweetest people I have ever met. I don't think he'd be like the others. If I'm honest, If I were to date anybody, it would be Zayn. I just, I don't know. I'm definitely not good enough for him anyways. For one, I'm a ghost. Who would want to date a ghost?

Ok fine, I'm lying. I like Zayn. I'm bloody in love with him. I have been for years. But I thought Zayn was straight so I just bottled up my feelings towards him and tried to forget about it. I would hide my feelings by pretending that I was super into all of the guys in the band, which isn't necessarily a lie either, but I've always been attracted towards one the most. It didn't help accidently let Simon know that I wasn't straight a while back. He threatened to assign me a fake girlfriend if I did anything gay. So instead, I just hinted at it all the time around the band. I was extremely shocked they didn't pick up on it until recently.

I haven't admitted to myself that I actually like him in a long time. It's almost overwhelming. I would always just brush things off saying he's unfairly goodlooking and that was that. But despite him actually liking me back, I still don't think I can pursue anything. I would fuck everything up, like I do with all my relationships. I'm honestly just a hopeless romantic, which is why I don't believe in love anymore. I've always secretly love Harry's romantic movies honestly. I had always longed for the perfect love story. But I had long accepted that that wasn't going to happen for me.