flicker of hope [ziall]

1~happy free spirit

I wouldn't say I'm sad. Just kind of careless and empty, I don't know. I lost hope a little while ago. I'm just stuck slowly sinking deeper and deeper into the quicksand of my life. Nothing really makes me happy anymore. I still pretend I'm happy though. It's better than moping around. I'm mostly still here because I'm afraid of hurting others. I'm sure they'd get over it quick enough but I still don't know if I have it in me to do that. I don't want them thinking I was sad, ya know? Cause I'm not, just empty. If I'm gonna die it has to seem like a weird accident like getting eaten by a tiger or something. Gotta go out with a bang.

Honestly, I don't even know why I feel like this. I'm one of the "lucky ones" or so they say. I mean, if you asked me about two and a half years ago, I would have agreed with that. I was originally ecstatic about my life. I was lucky enough to get chosen to be put together in a band on x factor that went viral because people thought we were cute I guess. Cause god knows my singing was shit. Don't get me started on the dancing. To this day, I don't really get why I was chosen. There were at least a dozen better candidates that had better voices and more skill. I think they just chose me because I was a bit different than the others. I was blonde, Irish and could play some guitar. Most of the others were brunette Brits. Despite my credibility for being chosen, I was just happy to be on the stage performing with the other boys. Being a musician and performing was always my big dream. I don't really have a dream anymore, unless you count having a fivesome with my band members. Would be a sick story to tell. I've been proposing it for ages but the others just ignore me. It's a bit rude if I say so myself. Am I really asking for that much? Whatever though, maybe I'll ask 5SOS. For now, I'm just kind of existing day to day though.

Despite my revelations about my current life, I still portray myself as that original happy and free person from the xfactor. I don't really have a personality without it, even if I don't feel like acting happy. Sometimes I also think that if I keep pretending, the thrill of life will come back to me. I mean pretending to be happy has got to be better than dragging everyone down with my sad thoughts, right? Plus, what would I tell everyone? I'm depressed about my life for no good reason? I've thought about spilling everything multiple times. I want to at least have someone who listens, who understands. But then I always remember that there's nothing to understand. I don't even understand for christ sakes. If I told people, I'd probably get locked up in the crazy people homes or something. I mean, management is lowkey a bitch. They really fucked up my knees and I can't even play footie properly anymore. But I just wish I could enjoy all this like the rest of the boys. They're always so ecstatic for every show, every shoot, every new song, everything. The worst part is that I used to be the most ecstatic out of them all. I don't get what has happened to me. I really don't. I dread everything now. But hey man, that's justs apart of life, right?

"Niall, come on lad, get up" Liam said with frustration running across his face. He swung open the curtain to my bunk bed on the tour bus and I hissed.

"I'm up" I groaned, tearing my eyes away from the sudden light source. I can't believe it's already morning. I didn't get a wink of sleep last night. That seems to be happening more and more lately. It seems as though I don't really need much sleep to survive. It's not like I don't want to sleep though. Sleeping is probably what I look forward to most in my days because I can escape. I just can't fall asleep anymore though,which just leaves me stuck with my own self deprecating thoughts.

"I've been yelling at you to get up for the past 10 minutes. We're going to be late" Liam rolled his eyes as he walked away from my bunk. I sighed and slowly got up. However, I hit my head on the bunk above me as usual. I groaned and clutched my head in anger as I pushed myself all the way off the bed. I looked around the bus and noticed I was the only one still on. I should probably make myself look at least a little presentable. We're about to have an interview. But I don't feel like getting ready and the boys are probably already pissed at me for not getting up, so I just walked off the bus. I was still clad in crusty soccer shorts and some random wrinkled shirt. My hair was flat against my forehead in a tangle of knots. Twitter will have a field day with my appearance on this interview but I really couldn't care less anymore. What are they gonna do, kick me out of the band? I've got plenty of money at this point that I won't ever have to work a day in my life and I'll still have millions left over.