Commander, Soldier, Spy (Erwin X Reader)

Chapter 27- She Had the World

Stefan awoke to a knocking at the door and Maggie pawing at his face. He turned to check the clock. 4:30am.  Who would be calling at this hour? He rubbed his eyes and got out of bed wandering to the door still in his pajamas.

The rain poured outside and the knocking grew louder.

"Okay okay I'm coming!" He called out moving into a half jog to open the door. "would you keep it down," he said. Worried the knocking would wake the neighbours.

"Sorry, I just, I couldn't sleep, I need to tell you everything I can't keep it in or ignore it any longer." Y/n stood at the door drenched to the bone.

"Come in come in. You're soaked." He said ushering her in and closing the door moving to get logs to put in the fireplace. "Sit down and I'll get you a blanket while I start the fire going" He said dashing into another room and returning with a blanket.

His heart filled with joy at seeing y/n again. He felt so empty without her. But the wait would be worth it. He couldn't wait for her to tell him that she loved him and that she was sorry that she hadn't said it yet.

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Stefan tossed a blanket towards me and I wrapped it around my shoulders shuddering.

Stefan was grinning ear to ear clearly happy to see me. Which just made me feel even worse. He knelt by the fire striking matches to start it going and soon it was roaring spreading heat through the living room.

"Right. I'm listening" he said standing up to face me.

I stood up and took hold of his hands. The blanket still draped around me. Droplets of rain dripping from my hair and down my face.

"Stefan..." I held them up our hands clasped between us. "I-"

Stefan didn't give me a chance to speak instead he swiftly pulled me in to kiss me. I dropped his hands and pushed my hands into his chest stopping our lips from connecting.

"I don't love you. I'm just passing the time." I said abruptly causing Stefan's face to fall.

"What..." He said his face full of hurt.

"I could love you if I knew how to lie but... I don't. And I can't and I won't. Not anymore. You mean everything to me but-"

"I ...I can't believe that I thought... That .. you might actually love me..." His balled his hands into fists as his eyes welled with tears his ears becoming reddened.

"I'm so sorry Stefan I...I couldn't just lie to you and I wanted to tell you differently but you weren't going to give me a chance!" I fumbled over my words trying to hold his hands agin but he pulled away.

"It's okay. I get it, he's strong and muscular and confident and handsome and I'm just some stupid naive postboy who filled the void!" He yelled angrily. Tears flooding down his cheeks leaving pale trails down his reddened face.

"I... Can't help the way I feel... I didn't choose or want for this to happen. Especially not like this. I do love you I'm just not in love with you." I whispered lowering my voice. "You've done so much for me and I can never thank you enough. That's the reason why I couldn't lie to you anymore. I don't want to stop you from finding someone who can love you more than I ever could. But, please don't ever think it's because you weren't good enough because that's far from true. If anything you're too good for me. I mean, look at me. I'm a mess. My whole life is messy. I'll never be able to have the peaceful everyday life that I know you want to have. It's just not possible."

Stefan sat down trying to calm himself. "I guess... I knew that this would happen...somewhere deep down inside. But I just thought I might be able to stop it. I'm not angry at you, but it still hurts just the same."

"I understand...I...should probably go..." I said taking off the blanket and folding it carefully.

"Then... At least take this." Stefan got up and grabbed an umbrella holding it out to me.

"Thank you. And... I'm sorry..." I whisered sadly bowing my head.

"You don't need to be sorry. Like you said, you didn't choose this." He smiled  his eyes still full of tears.

We embraced by the door I inhaled the scent of his jumper one last time. The familiar scent of ink and paper. Stefan gently stroked my hair before we both let go.

"I'll see you soon okay?" I said my voice wobbling as I opened the umbrella to shield me from the giant droplets.

"Okay." He nodded. Maggie coiled her tail around his leg and I turned and began to walk away back towards my own home.

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Stefan closed the door and leaned against it banging it gently with his fist  before walking over to the cabinet and pulling out a bottle of whiskey pouring some into a glass. her words rang in his head. "I don't love you, I'm just passing the time." He whispered to himself. Each word cutting into his heart like a knife.  He slumped down in a chair by the fire and  downed it effortlessly. Easier than he thought. He stood and grabbed the bottle sitting back down and resting his feet on the other chair.
He leaned back and closed his eyes trying to remember life without y/n but was only met with the darkness of his eyelids. 

The smell of her perfume lingered in the air of the room. He wished it would never fade but he knew it would, just like she had. Whisked away by the slightest breeze. Y/n was just that type of girl. Maybe that's what made her so appealing. She was thrilling, exciting, mysterious. But all the same, wonderful. He would miss her.

Stefan smiled sadly. Y/n was the sun and now his world was in eclipse. One day the sun would return. But for now he would have to find other sources of light. He placed the bottle down and rubbed at his puffy eyes as they grew dull. His skin prickled with pins and needles his cheeks warmed by the whiskey.

Maggie jumped up into his lap and he hugged her close crying into her soft fur. She meowed and purred, nuzzling him to comfort him. His tears soaked her fur but she didn't seem to mind. He took one more swig from the bottle. He coughed as it caught the back of his throat before he whispered,

"You're all I've got now Maggie..."