Better Than Nothing: Part 3 of On the Edge Series

Chapter 9

"Hello, Billy," my voice came softly, but his immediate stiffening let me know he heard me.

He didn't turn, but as his back straightened, his fingers stopped playing.

"I'm sorry to intrude," I apologetically offered.

"Then why intrude?" He still didn't turn to face me. The softening of his tone from our midnight meeting was gone.

"I have to talk to you."

"We've talked enough, don't you think?"

"Billy, I have to talk to you about...." I hadn't expected it; I had been doing so well. But telling Billy made it real again, made it forever.

"What, Lily? What do you need to talk to me about?" He turned to look at me for the first time, and under his gaze, I felt like a child. He softened when his eyes first laid on me, but he found his resolve quickly. "Why did you come back?"

"My father." My voice barely lasted.

My eyes dropped to the floor. If I watched the words hit Billy, I'd surely burst into tears.

"No," there was a mix of disbelief and anger in his voice. "No, Lily. I just talked to him a few weeks ago."

I couldn't lift my eyes. "I'm sorry."

"No," his voice was close and getting closer. But it wasn't the gentle soothing I expected. "No, Lily."

"Billy, I..." but I had nothing else to say.

"No," I felt his hands grab my shoulders. "No, Lily. You can't take him from me too."

"I didn't take him. I'm sorry."

"No," the anger surged through him and into me in a chilling vibration. "You're wrong. I'll call him."

He dropped his grip on me and paced to his desk, shoving things around as he searched for his phone.

"He won't answer, Billy."

"Fuck," with one swipe, he cleared everything off his desk. It scattered to the floor. "Fuck."

"I'm sorry, Billy. I'm so sorry." I still couldn't look at him, but I felt my legs give out as I dropped to the floor.

"No, I don't believe you," he argued. Quickly, he lifted the desk and toppled it to its side.

"It's how I knew the albums weren't from him. Because he..."

"No. Stop, Lily. Just stop."

"I needed to come here. I needed help to..." I let my voice drop out. "Mary knew I needed someone."

"That's my mom. She's mine."

"I know." I finally lifted my eyes to Billy. My tears obscured him. "But I needed her because my dad died."

He stared at me as the words floated through him. In a matter of moments, his anger melted to disbelief, then despair, before he pooled to the floor next to me, exhausted. We just sat there on the floor in silence. A few tears slipped from my eyes, rolling leisurely down my cheeks and dropping to my coat with a muted splash. When the silence grew too heavy in my ears, I got up and began picking up the clutter scattered across the floor.

"You don't have to...." Billy said from his spot on the floor.

"It's fine. I make a lot of messes. I should start to clean up a few."

I didn't focus on what I was picking up. I just grabbed whatever was closest: papers, pens, random desk things. But when I registered what I was picking up, I realized I was holding the kalimba. I let my thumb pluck one tine.

I didn't hear Billy raise, but he was behind me, his arms looping around either side of me as he took the instrument but kept it in front of me. He plucked out the first few notes of Mister Sandman.

"It's the one from Boston. Every time I toss it around, it never breaks." He was surrounding me, so his deep voice rippled through my body. "Look at me, Lil."

I turned to face him. He stood tall without the rounded shoulders to pull him close to me.

"Your father was a good man. I counted him as one of my closest friends. Regardless of everything that has happened between us, I'm truly sorry for your loss." It was cordial and stabbed into me, but still was more than I deserved from Billy.

The tears welled in my eyes. It was real. My dad was gone. Billy's words lowered my father deeper into his grave.

"I..." I had no words. In Billy's eyes, it was clear how broken I was. The man who had fallen so deeply in love with me now was a stranger giving me generic consolations on losing my father. Without Billy, without my dad, there was no me.

"I'll call Tim." He dropped his arms and moved away from me.

It wasn't what I expected. Billy kicked through the debris on the floor until he found his phone.

"Hey man, you and Tess free?" Billy's voice was low and somber. "Yeah, I'll see you in a few."

He didn't even look at me. He just headed downstairs. I followed him across the driveway and to the steps of his house. I paused as the memories of the home filled me. They had been happy memories, but I had tarnished them. Billy didn't hesitate; he wasn't giving me any choice.