Star and its darkness (Book 1 in the Darkness&Brightness series)

55. Selfish

Maybe you think I'm selfish. Selfish for leaving her. For doing the same thing that her mom did that must make her so sad and remind her of from now on not only one person who left her, but two. Selfish, for leaving her without checking if she's safe. But I don't worry about her now. See, my selfishness is again being shown. She has Myles. He is going to care about her better than I ever could. He is the right one for her. Not me. Just look at what I have said to her beforehand. I hurt her by saying that I don't want her, that she isn't my light. I know I hurt her. Hard.

I saw it in her green eyes, I saw tears in them, pricking, but she tried, no she put her mask on and acted like she was okay, just like she always does. But she can't fool me. If I disappear I won't hurt her anymore. She deserves happiness and with me, she isn't going to find it, in that I'm sure. That's why I pushed her away. That's why I hurt her. I'm just making sure that it's for the best. I pretended that I didn't see how much pain I caused her by saying those harsh words, but if I tried to look in it and held onto it, I'd fail and my mission to be next to my mom would be ruined. I can only damage her and it's finally the time that she leaves my selfish world in which she's being treated like shit. She has someone who is going to treat her the way she deserves.

Maybe she is going to be mad at me. But, one day she'll realize why I did it. She is going to find happiness with Myles and forget about this selfish and broken idiot who doesn't have his last name anymore. To be honest, when I try to imagine them together, next to each other, him touching her and her smiling at her, I feel sad, hurt. But I know it's for the best. It's best for her. I hope she'll realize that I'm doing her a favor by stepping back from her life, not manipulating her like she once said.

He is going to protect her from Christopher and I could never stop him, anyway. He was basically hurting her in front of my eyes and I did nothing. Rage boils through my half-naked body on the thought of how I failed on most everything in my life, how I never did something on what I can be proud of, on what my father can be proud of. But soon, I won't feel that anger anymore. It is going to vanish and people aren't going to be hurt anymore by my strong fists, squeezed and punishing them for the awful childhood I had when in reality it's not even their fault.

Maybe I should have left her a note. To say to her that it's the best for her, even though I know that she isn't going to understand it at first. If I disappear she'll find happiness. If I stay my demons will kill her as well, the way they already killed me. Even though it's not their hands holding the razor, but mine.

They made me believe that it's for the best. That everyone will be happy without me. But it's not like a lot of people are going to miss me and mourn me. I have no one. They just think that it's worth fighting for me when in reality it's just in vain and after my death, they are going to realize that it was indeed all in vain.

I sigh, before I do one last thing in this world, the last thing while being alive- press the razor against my cold skin. I'm doing this for my mom. I don't know what the hell I have been waiting all this time. I finally realized that I'm a burden and nothing more. I'm excess on this world, the devil finally succeeded in making me realize that. It took them a lifetime, but since they are the epitome of never giving up, here we are.

Thank you for this, devil. If it wasn't for you, my mom would still be alone. Now she isn't going to be lonely anymore.

I don't even feel the razor cutting the soft skin on my wrists. I just see a red liquor and I smile. I felt too much pain all these years that physical one is nothing compared to a mental one and I can't feel it anymore. I enjoy while the red stream is falling down my hands and cover the white bath, painting it in color from which the girl who is going to be so sad when she realizes what I've done, that I repeatedly her mother's steps, is so scared. I watch it while I slowly start to feel dizzy and suddenly everything becomes a blur and my eyelids become heavy and finally I close them for the last time in my miserable life.