Lightless Sunshine

Chapter 11

tw: self harm

Chapter 11

There were a lot of people out there, bakit ako pa? I kept on asking myself why am I suffering like this. Why can’t I have a simple life? Did I do something bad in my past life? Kaya ba pinarurusahan ako ngayon ng langit? Pain. A word with only four letters yet it is what killing me now. It’s pushing me into a dark hollow.

I sighed. With a gauze wrapped around my head, I sat on the edge of the hospital’s bed, staring at nowhere and thinking about what just happened to me. Stupidity took over my body that time before the incident happened and I regretted it now. I regretted letting my emotions burst out. I hated myself for being a crybaby. For being so weak. I hated myself for being so hypocritical when I stated that my brother was so weak. Because even I had been worst than I could imagine. Pilit kong iniiwasan ang mag-breakdown because I knew it wouldn’t do anything good to me. Little would I know, I was becoming numb. I’ll forget everything and then it’ll turn out bad.

I was lost in the thought that I didn’t heed someone already came into the room where I’ve occupied. Naramdaman ko na lang na may iba na palang tao rito. It was Icarus.

“How do you feel right now? Do you want something to eat? Gusto mo bang kumain? Tubig, gusto mo bang uminom?” sunod-sunod na tanong niya sa mahinahong boses. I could only nod my head as a response. Kanina pa ako nagising ngunit ayaw bumuka ng mga labi ko para magsalita. I’m so tired of everything.

Icarus sighed before giving me a bottle of water. I just looked at it, not moving. He sighed one more time before touching my chin using his forefinger and thumb to make me face him. The expression of his eyes was so gentle. He gave me a small smile afterwards. We fell into a deafening silence right after I finished drinking the water.

“I…” he trailed off, starting a conversation. “I called your dad using your phone,” he said.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at napalingon sa kaniya. “Y-You did?” maang kong tanong, sa wakas ay nagsalita na rin.

He slightly nodded his head. “I’m sorry if I had to call him without asking for your permission. I was just concerned.”

Napakurap ako. He bit his lower lip and he touched my cheek through the back of his palm. “I am so worried, Sunshine…” he whispered. “What have you done, hmm? Did you unconsciously hit your head that’s why it bled? N-Nahulog ka ba at nadapa?” he added.

Napayuko ako at nangilid ang mga luha. Umiling ako at napakagat ng ibabang labi dahil sa panginginig nito. Nag-uumapaw ang emosyon sa aking dibdib at parang kahit anumang oras ay sasabog na ito.

“It’s okay, I won’t force you to tell me. I understand…” he softly said. His soothing voice made my heart melt and my emotions softened.

Mas lalo akong napayuko nang sunod-sunod na pumatak ang mga luha mula sa aking mga mata. “I… I don’t know… I don’t know why I did that, why I hurt myself. Why I was so stupid to injure my head. I… I really don’t know what’s gotten into me…” I sobbed and covered my face with my hands.

“Sunny…”

“I just… wanna feel the pain. P-Para kasing sobrang manhid ko na dahil sa sobrang bigat ng dibdib ko. Ayoko na… pagod na ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano na ang mangyayari sa amin ng kapatid ko ngayong wala na si Papa sa amin. I-Iyong bahay namin, binenta na rin pala ni Papa… A-Ayokong mawala iyon… A lot of memories were there… Si Mama… Us. When we’re still complete… Ayaw ko… Ayoko…” Pumiyok ang aking boses at napahagulhol na ako.

“T-Tapos… tapos si Seth, parang ayaw na rin niya sa akin… Madalas siyang pumunta kila Tita Sali at doon na natutulog… Mag-isa lang ako sa bahay. Wala a-akong kasama… Ako lang mag-isa… Ayaw na nila sa akin. A-Ayaw nila sa akin.” I cried like a lost child in front of him, mindless of what my look would be like. Hinayaan ko ang sariling ilabas ang mga hinanakit ko nitong mga nakaraang linggo.