The rose and the sunflower.
The girl with the golden eyes and the boy with a golden heart.
The girl that believed love was just a fairytale and the boy that believed fairytales are just stories waiting to come true.
'I used to think love was a point...
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It's been a while since I've been by myself in a room with a guitar. I remember, back when I lived in London, I'd usually just sit for hours somewhere around the house and play guitar.
I love making up chords and pretending I'm a musician writing songs. In my head I'd make up words to go with the chords, but I'd never actually say them out loud because most of the time it's me being very vulnerable. I like to pretend that I cannot write when in reality I can. Not professionally or anything, but I do know how to use my words to express myself.
Longing to just do this again, the minute I got the opportunity, I took it. Harry was with Liam playing a game I had no interest in so I decided to steal Niall's guitar from his room, lock myself in my room and just lay on the floor to play.
I've been feeling very anxious recently, due to all the overthinking I've been doing.
I can't believe how much my life has changed in the last year. Around this time last year, I was still figuring out my feelings fully for Harry, I was still working at Hershesons in London, I still lived in London. The only thing that's really been the same is the fact that I barely talk to my family.
It's funny the way life works.
As I'm sitting laying here on the floor, I realise I haven't cried in a while. Every once in a while I do this thing where I just feel the need to cry so I think of something extremely sad to achieve it. Whether it be forcing myself to relive shit from my past or sitting down and creating depressing scenarios in my head to make myself cry.
I sound mentally unstable but I promise I'm okay.
The strums of the guitar in my hand provide as a nice background noise for the thoughts in my head. I can't stop thinking about Harry. Whenever I play these chords I think of him. It's times like these I wish I was an actual musician so I could write a song about him. I'd write him a song using these chords.
My mind begins to wonder.
What if one day I just... lost him. What if one day I no longer got to call him mine?
No, why am I doing this. This is not healthy. I need healthy ways to deal with my emotions.
I mentally decide that today will not be a day of tears being shed. Today will be all happy. I can cry tomorrow.
However, my mind has already started wondering and when it does, it cannot stop.
Hayley, why the fuck did you do this to yourself?
Jesus, I don't know what I'd do if one day I no longer had Harry in my life. He's become such an important person to me in the last four years, starting off as one of my best friends and now the man I'm in love with.
