In The Dark

The truth hidden deep

I was born on May 28th

I’m a Gemini so I guess that means I have more than one face. 

People normally tell me I should try to relax. 

They tell me I’m not constantly under attack. 

Constantly I claw the chains on my chest.

Just to let out a single breath

My lungs constrict and I hold back tears. 

But I managed to control it after trying for years. 

Sitting in social situations, I can feel myself drown.

I pretend to have my head up when my confidence is down. 

When the anxiety wraps it’s fists made of iron around my throat,

And when it whispers how it’ll never let me go,

I tell it that I am not that easy to conquer. 

When I’m with my friends I’m known as quite the talker. 

I talk loud and went my whole life not realizing,

I never learned how to stop compromising. 

I was taught how to swim and talk. 

But I never quite learned how to keep my heart on lock. 

I rescue stray dogs that I see alone on the street. 

Because I don’t have the heart to leave them without food to eat. 

I’ve learned how to put others' needs above my own. 

Because I don’t want them to feel alone. 

When I was younger that’s all I ever felt. 

I couldn’t make friends so I stayed by myself. 

I have an odd love for things of spiritual nature. 

Because maybe a force bigger than myself can explain mine and others behavior. 

I will fall in love with small things someone does. 

Like giving me a call just because. 

I seek the attention of those I love and believe in. 

I feel like a lonely highway that people keep leaving. 

I am the tire marks that are left behind. 

I am never the one on someone’s mind. 

I am always pushed behind everyone else. 

But I don’t mind, because that’s the cards I was dealt. 

I don’t like planning ahead, I don’t see the point. 

Why plan for something that will just disappoint? 

I believe all our days are not written in stone. 

I believe we all choose our own ways to go. 

I often find myself wondering what the next day will bring. 

If the demons that hide behind the smiles on my face will suddenly sing. 

I wonder if they will tell the secrets I have hidden in boxes of steel inside my head. 

I wonder if they will tell everyone of my feelings of dooming dread. 

I have boxes of memories that refuse to see any light. 

The more I try to pull out, the harder they fight. 

I can slam my hands against the door they have locked themselves behind. 

But they will remain to hide.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

But they will not let me in no matter how hard the door will clang. 

That door is made of impenetrable steel. 

Made to lock me out of what I feel. 

Hi, my name is Caitlin. 

I enjoy writing, observing those around me, and hanging around my friends. 

But sometimes, I want to be alone instead. 

My confidence is so low that the core of Earth has competition. 

My laughs are as fake as a spy on a mission. 

My life includes the following;

Bottling up the emotions that are sorrowing. 

Keeping my face in books to block out reality

And trying to convince my reflection this isn’t who I’m meant to be. 

Most of the time, I know that I’m being irrational. 

But what I don’t know is how to convince myself I am valuable. 

I know life is easier when you don’t care about others' opinions. 

I know I am one in a million. 

I have to remind myself there will be more good days than bad. 

It’s just taking a little longer to get there. 

I know those days are coming slowly but surely. 

They’re screaming at me to never give up prematurely. 

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