In The Dark

I force myself

I force myself to get out of bed.

I have to pull myself out of my head.

I scream at myself to do simple things.

I force myself to answer the phone when it rings.

I have to force myself to smile and laugh.

I have to scream at myself a joke is not an attack.

I push myself to test my limits.

I push myself into never quitting.

I force myself not to raise my hands to the sky.

And force myself to lie and say I’m fine.

I say that my world is not spinning.

And that my dreams aren’t just visions.

A lie after lie, just one more.

It’s not a big deal, it’ll settle the score.

I force myself to look them in the eye.

It’s just one little white lie.

I force myself to smile and nod.

I Don’t say anything so they go on.

They don’t ask if I’m telling the truth.

They don’t know they’re being lied to.

I force myself to hold in my cries.

I force myself to sleep at night.

But no matter what I do, it doesn’t work.

Take out my heart so it doesn’t hurt.

Stick it on the wall and leave it there.

Pretend like my whole life I didn’t care.

I will force myself to bite my tongue.

Pretend my teeth are a bee that has stung.

I will force myself to leave the issue alone.

I will force myself to be a statue of stone.

I will hold everyone at arm's length.

I will never let them see my full strength.

I will look at myself and see who I would be.

But I force myself not to let her free.

She would cause problems I cannot stop.

On her list, her happiness would be at the top

On mine, my happiness is last on the list.

Below all those who actually deserve it.

If I could have what my heart desires

Maybe my brain wouldn’t be on fire.

Burning with thoughts of things I could have.

If I decided I wasn’t so bad.

But why would they want someone like me?

Someone who carries this self loathing disease.

I force myself to leave them alone and move on.

After all, alone is where I belong.