INFP

During Break

     During all this time, I decided to pass this drop year in an unplanned manner. Why? Because the last thing I wanted was goals, deadline, expectations and other shit. Those were the very reason why I dropped out. I was not following the truth at all, imagine that you know the truth but still you are compelled to the "ways of the world". Of course I don't recommend this at all but I realized this feeling why people quit, its not because they want to start something new or different. Its for this break /hiatus.

     I have had breaks and holidays but in the back of my mind there's always this thought of doing stuff right after when this break ends. School students know this feeling really well. But having an undecided future is scary as well as comforting.
 
      I got into this deep slump which I couldn't get out of the past 2 years. It got serious at the end of it. No matter how hard I tried, it was not fruitful. Actually the place where I was doing my masters was damn shady and you can't challenge them even if you are right or in most cases they were at fault. Anyway I thought that getting out was scary but was important because staying there would also ruin my future, for life.

      This decision also lead me to something called forgiveness. People say love yourself but that might not be it, one might not improve and might accept things for themselves that they are not. It might lead them to an unsatisfactory place in order for them to be at peace. I don't think ambition is a bad thing at all regardless of capability one can dream. Why forgiveness? Your ambition and dream might make you tired, weary and make you think why am I so hard on myself. Sacrifice is one thing but suppressing your wishes is too much for such one dream. One might forget to live.
     
     I forgot to live. During the break I tried new things, made new lifestyle choices with which I was confortable. I asked for forgiveness to myself for dragging myself day and night without ever listening to myself. Always said that pain is temporary but pride  is forever. What do I do with this pride when I was not living at all. I always feared failure and was always at my toes to prove my worth but forgot about things like dignity. Thought that being rude to people was not good, well being kind to people was way worse for me.
   
      Anyway I decided to be mindful of myself and have an actual world of my own. In a world that I excited to go back and not to treat it as shelter from the world.

I think its time to guard my room rather than hiding in my room from now on.

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I hope you all are doing well. Have a great day. Make yourself happy. Treat yourself.