INFP

Now... I Can Be Myself

So everyone, 2020 has come to an end or is it the 'beginning of the end'? Atleast it ended. For some this year was devastating and for some this year was a relief.

       In my case, it was a relief, this was the break that I always wanted, mostly from my social life and have a one on one conversation with myself. These conversations were big revelation for me, I got to know myself in depth. Eventhough, I got dragged through a lot of bullshit drama this year but these circumstances gave me time to figure out what's going on.

        You see, it is generalized that there is fight or flight response but nobody talks the ones who freeze, like me. It took me a whole year to figure out myself and the situation I was in.

        Let me drag in another perspective here, remember about being honest with yourself. Well my soul just decided that it was done with all that bullshit drama and told me to stop lying to yourself and kindly stop doubting your judgement and observations for fuck sake. People will give you narratives, excuses and explanations. But you cannot falsify what you saw again and again, and guess what what you see is different from the above mentioned options.

So here is when my faith came back and I realized that the place I was in is not as good as I thought and I should leave before I lose my sanity and disrespect my soul. But I didn't had the courage to leave until I lost passion in my work, that was the limit. I asked myself, why am I doing all this and for what, what if I ultimately hate this at the end?

Before I move, let me explain, what really happened. You know how your teachers give you hardtime and blackmail you with your degree type situation. I was like what if there was no degree, do I have the capability to restart? And the answer was hell, why? As long as its passion one can start anytime. Plus during this pandemic we all know that the quality of education got severely affected so even if I get this degree, this would still be questionable.

In conclusion, courage is harder to find but for a greater freedom this had to be done, atleast my hard work won't be vain plus I get to heal myself in the next six months before trying out for a better university. For me 2020 gave the two most important things that I always lacked throughout my life, that is, self faith and courage to take risk.

Finally I am at peace, and no one is going to fucking stop me from being myself. And as long as I'm worthy and valuable, all doors in life are damn open. And I will try my best to increase my value while being myself.

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Thank you for the 1k plus reads, I really didn't thought that anyone was going to read it at all but then I thought that just let it be. Atleast for me this is the place where I can be honest and I'm surprised people actually read it. Still there are people in this world who know what goes on in my mind and hope you can relate to it, ever so slightly. Why? Because this will let you know we are in this shit together and that's a starting point for comfort.

Hope you have a better year.

As for me, with 2020, one should stop thinking about future, just kidding. Anyway, see you soon in the next chapter.