Creative Writing With The Same Thoughts

Its Just A Ramble

Im so lonely that the only comfort I ever have is the relationships that video game characters have between the fake version f video game me. No one likes me like that, even if they previously tried to kill me they ended up loving me with all their heart. I know I cant do anything like I can in  video games, perhaps thats why I cant have what they have. or any closeness resembling. Dialogue isnt chosen nor promised. I dont want the kind of friends that life tries to offer to me, they're terrible, worse than me. And all the relationships Ive sunken everything into took a little more out of me and left me with nothing in return, not even a memory I can look back fondly of. Its just me being an idiot and a loser. I can hold a conversation and everyone treats me like Im "just fine", but when I should die I want it to be known for whoever cares that I was alone and the knockoffs of what I wanted or maybe even needed didnt cut it for me. Maybe thats my fault. I put all my hope into one person and honestly I dont think I have anything to offer anymore. Even if I did my best its just not there. So the same tune of loneliness and despair drag on into different words, maybe even the same words. It sucks that I cant feel close to my family as well. Its a have to situation and sometimes we both show that we dont want to regardless. Maybe theres more to it, but my overwhelming loneliness is not cure by them no matter how hard I try. I dont think even a little. I love them, I think, but I wonder if that is normal for most families? Even my therapist doesnt help me. 2 years of intense treatment throwing everything they can, but maybe we are both not trying hard enough. Without them doing so I have no feeling of desire or need to, laziness and habit take over because it feels like the same thing over and over again. I just wish something would help, even if I felt like shit I dont want to be alone, alone with people beside me.  I want to understand why that is. Im almost sure theres a way, theres some people in which I wouldnt feel alone with. But if it never happens how will I ever know right? Im tired of switching personalities. I still have panic attacks sometimes, I still feel desperate sometimes, I can still ignore my hurt sometimes. Ive tried to slit my throat in ways that were slow because honestly Im scared of dying and being alone and forgotten and not achieving anything I wanted. Im scared of a lot of things sometimes. But I dont cry as much as I used to. I want to cry again. I want to go back. I want to be and do different. Ive made excuses because of what has already happened. One of these days I will make an irredeemable mistake, maybe. Because I thought it was right and who I was or should have been. Im scared God might exist. Im scared he doesnt. Im scared Im not the center of the universe and Im scared I am.