"Over a Book" [MODERN HAMLIZA]

"Who dies?" - Chapter 26

"You... want to be my girlfriend?" Alexander asked cautiously, a single brow raised as if he didn't believe her.

"... Isn't that what you wanted to hear?" Eliza frowned, tilting her head.

Alexander ran a hand through his hair. "Well, yeah! Of course, it is!" He slid his palm down to his face, groaning into it. "But, ugh," He huffed loudly, glancing back down at her. She could sense the battling emotions in his mind. "I'm afraid."

"Afraid...?" Eliza leant back in his hold, still trying to read his impossible, maze-like mind.

"I'm afraid of hurting you again." scowled Alexander, turning his head away, as though annoyed with himself. He probably was. She didn't blame him. "I really don't want to fuck up, but I'm so, so scared that I will. I love you so much. So very much that it hurts, Eliza," He still refused to look at her, as if she was something that pained him to stare at. "And that's precisely why I can't trust myself to be with you."

Eliza laughed lightly, headbutting his chest. "Alexander," She mumbled his name. She'd missed saying it to him. "Alexander, I trust you. I believe that you'll do the right thing. We've had more than enough experiences with... well, what has happened, enough to avoid it again. You've had proper repercussions whereas last time I just expected you to get over yourself. Which, to be honest, you should've. In no way should you have cheated on me—tired, lonely, or not. I can't blame you for Angelica. I know it wasn't your fault. The only time you even somewhat consented to her advances was when we weren't even together, so I refuse to blame you for her.

However, the other girl? I didn't even know her. And we were together. You were sleeping in my bed—you were cheating on me in my bed with a woman I've never seen. Hell, I was prepared to spend a week with my father who I didn't hold any good relationship at the time with, just for you. It wasn't fair of you to cheat on me with her. You haven't even explained what happened. But either way, Alexander,"

She let out a low huff, raising her hand and taking ahold of his cheek, which made him turn to look at her finally. "I somehow found a way to forgive you. This is your last chance, of course, I can't allow myself to be hurt like this again by the same guy. Over and over. But I can't let you go, either. Not without one last chance. Please. Just try."

To her surprise, Alexander said nothing.

He simply just started to cry, pulling her as close as possible and burying his face into the crook of her neck. She ran her hands up and down his back, smiling softly.

"I didn't want to." He eventually broke the silence.

Eliza frowned, but stayed silent, listening to what he had to say.

"I don't know what came over me at the time. It was that same situation with Angelica, for that last time with her. It was like... I couldn't control my mind," He let out a shaking exhale. "I wasn't able to stop myself. My thoughts went numb. I only remember thinking that I didn't want it. That I wanted to stop, that I loved you—" He shifted uncomfortably, drawing his head back, away from her neck. "Yet it was as though my body stopped connecting with my brain, and I couldn't control it. It's a stupid excuse, I know, I can't excuse what I did,"

Alexander glanced to the ground. "When I'm alone, I struggle a lot more with this mess of a mind. Irrational, blurry thoughts race by at the speed of light. Pounding headaches pull at me from the minute I wake up to the minute I fall asleep. I can't focus, I can't think. I pay way too much attention to my silent surroundings and it only gives me painful flashbacks to, well, what happens to me whenever there is silence. People find it peaceful, I find it destructive."

Before she could respond, he continued. "And... And you do know her. She's the girl you beat up at that one party. Maria was her name. Fuck, I didn't recognise her until after it'd all happened. I should've known. I wouldn't— ugh," He slammed his fist on the top of the car and squeezed his eyes shut.

Eliza nodded along, frowning. She was still angry. Just a little. But she needed to move on, to communicate and to forgive. She needed to understand. "So, when you were cheating on me—" He bit his lip and nodded, as though hating the sound of those words come out of my mouth. "—you weren't really... yourself?"

He groaned, pulling away from her. "Oh, God, it sounds so stupid out loud." He sighed heavily, turning and resting his hand on his car.

"It does." She shrugged, walking up behind him and snaking her arms around his stomach, holding him close again. "But I believe you. If it bothers you to the point where it drives you out of your mind..." She trailed off. Well, of course silence would bother him. It's just as he said. Things always happen to him whenever there is silence.

It's trauma-induced. Roots, originally dug underground and unforeseen, unable to grow into his normal, every-day life - they suddenly sprouted into large, blossoming trees that loom over him with each passing minute. The whisper of their shimmering leaves as they spun on branches, taunting him, as if daring him to find silence. Even if she can still blame him for his actions, she can at least understand where it came from. I was enough. That was reassuring.

"Well, do you accept my offer?"

"What?" Alexander turned his head to hers, and she scoffed, leaning up to wipe his tears with her thumbs.

"Boyfriend. Will you, Alexander Hamilton, be my boyfriend?"

Alexander hesitated, but she gave him a reassuring, warm smile, that only made his heart melt. He sighed and turned fully toward her, pulling her into his chest.

"... Yes." He smiled, one hand drawing to her chin, cupping the end of it with his index and his thumb. "Yes, I, Alexander Hamilton, will be your boyfriend." She grinned and pushed into his body, flattening him against the car as she shoved into a happy kiss.

A kiss that didn't feel.. finalised.

A/N; talking about feelings pog

sorry again for the late update! yesterday was pretty rough for me emotionally and i ended up over exhausted because of it

hope you're all doing good! happy early easter (though it's sunday for me now), and i hope for the last chapter to actually be a lot longer, to give you guys content for the first time in a while aauauau im sorry djhdjw

ALSO if you're looking for things to read while you're waiting for the new updates, (or maybe you're reading this back and want something new and also hamliza related), go check out Aika_Barroso ! they have an incredibly written story themselves and I 100% recommend it :)