needles • frerard

thirty nine

day 29
session 12

Frank walks in.

"Hello."

"Hi, Frank. How are you?" The physcologist asks.

"I'm not too bad. H-How are you?"

"I'm good, thanks. How'd you do with those two goals we had?"

"Uh..." Frank smiles. "Completed. I called Gerard a-a-and told him that it wasn't his fault, he said that he did still k-kinda think that it was but it helped to hear me say that. Uh, and I-I did the other thing. That was cool."

"You did? Aw, good. That's good." Dr. Weekes smiles.

"Is it... a regular th-thing that people think about their significant others while they're d-doing that?"

"Um, yeah, I can't see why it wouldn't be. You were thinking about Gerard?"

Frank blushes. "Yeah, I was. Uh, A lot. And I o-only ask because I woke up yesterday and was like 'hey last night was kinda g-gross, huh?' but then it seemed like it was maybe a normal thing? And th-th-then I wondered if Gerard did that too."

"How would you feel if he did?"

"Uh, surprised, I think. A l-little bit confused. And worried that he'd feel guilty about it."

"Why would he feel guilty about it?"

Frank raises an eyebrow. "Are you kidding me?"

Dr. Weekes sighs. "Frank, you know I want to hear it in your words. That's the point of this."

"R-Right, sorry." He looks down at the floor.

"It's alright. Please, continue."

"Because I've been so uncomfortable with sex u-up until now and he knows that. He knows what I've b-been through."

"If you asked if he thought about you, and he said yes, how would that feel?"

"I don't know. It's weird. Like, I d-d-did the same thing, so it seems unfair to feel w-weird about that. But I also don't wanna make h-him feel bad. He's a person, he's got thoughts and fantasies 'n shit like that. So like, if our places were switched, I might feel weird about it. B-But that's cause I'm who I am and he doesn't feel what I feel. He's n-n-never experienced that shit, so I think we have different perspectives. And honestly, if he's just th-thinking about me and not me getting... y'know... uh, r-raped, then I don't really mind. But it's still kinda weird. I-I don't know if I'm explaining this right; it makes sense in my head."

"I think I get what you're saying. If you were him, you might feel weird about it because you've got the perspective of the victim and he probably doesn't. But you wouldn't mind if he's thinking about you in a non-perilous situation. But it's still a strange thought to have, which I totally get."

"Strange but f-flattering, cause I don't think of myself as a sexual entity. I've never th-th-thought of myself as desirable or hot or anything like that. So, I guess, the theoretical idea that this s-stupidly handsome man is getting off to the thought of me is v-very flattering."

"Do you want to know?"

"Yes and no. I w-want to hear him say that he pictures me shirtless and it g-g-gets him going. But I don't want to make him feel b-bad for thinking of the pathetic little slut who's been used and tossed out like t-trash for the past four years. That sounds l-like something that might make someone f-feel guilty. And I don't want him to feel g-guilty."

"Then tell him that. If you want to know if he thinks about you like that, then specify in the beginning that it's not a problem for you and maybe even say that you did the same. It's much more difficult to deal with stuff like this when you two aren't together in the same location. How about we make a list for when you get back? We can still talk about this stuff now, of course, but I think a good portion of this conversation has to be between you and Gerard. Not just the thinking thing, but your sexual relationship with him in general. And this would be part of it."