Love never dies

▪︎ 6 ▪︎

When I open my eyes from another dream about Beca, I know this day will be the same as others. Every day I miss Beca even more and every day I hope to see something new about the cruise ship but nothing so far. The rain is knocking against my window and the little wind from yesterday turned into a small storm. There's no way Ryan and I can get outside in this storm, so it's better to stay inside for today. I look outside towards the trees who are dancing in the wind, ticking against the window. The sound of the weather reminds me of Beca and how she didn't like storms at all. She always snuggled up to me claiming the weather hated her because in every storm thunder will come and Beca was terrified of thunder. Most of the time she would calm herself by listening to her favorite Disney songs. I close my eyes, letting a tear escape my eyes. I miss you so much, Becs. I open my eyes again and force myself to get up. The other half of my bed is empty and it will stay empty until Beca returns. Chicago and I always have sex in the guestroom, but that is only two nights a year since Chicago is in the army and away for the rest of the year. I don't feel like getting dressed, so I walk down the stairs and into the kitchen. I make myself a cup of coffee and Ryan's cereals. This weather makes me even sadder because of all the memories. Beca never lived here but I can see all the things we did in the Bella's house when it was this weather. The girls, Beca, and I decided to do a Disney movie marathon, starring Aladdin, Robin Hood, the Lion King, and Sleeping beauty. Beca and I would always cuddle and ended up having sex. I miss those nights. I take a sip from my coffee while walking to my supply closet. I keep a pinboard in there, safely hidden from Chicago. This is not his apartment, but the last time he was here, he told me to stop hoping. That Beca was dead and that I had to move on. He wanted me to throw this board away but I just couldn't. I take the pinboard out and lay it down on the dining table. There are so many articles that I cut out of the newspaper. So many pictures, lines, and notes but one of them had the biggest heading:

Beca. Every time my eyes fall on it, they start filling with tears. I try to swallow them away but it's not working. It's been too long already. The police are doing their best to find survivors but it's not good enough. I look at the map and where I draw a cross where the ship sank. 

The police and the search team are diving and searching that area for almost two years now, they found bodies but none of those bodies belonged to Beca. I need to know what happened to her. She might be dead, but I need her body to have closure. Everything around me starts to blur and there's only me and my mind. Telling me that I shouldn't lose hope, that she's still alive but it's hard to believe that. I mean it's almost two years ago. If she was still alive they would've found her already, right?