Seeing Stars - DreamNotFound

Chapter 13

"What are you on about? I'm here, aren't I?"

"You are..." Clay's eyes avoided George's, "I think that's what I'm scared of."

"I'm confused..." He was more so terrified of wherever this conversation was headed. 

"People will get too close and then...  I just don't know what I'm gonna do if I lose you." 

George furrowed his eyebrows, "You're not gonna lose me. What even makes you say that?"

"It's happened before, George!" 

"Well, then this is different." His volume increased. 

"But, it's not." 

"What does that mean?"

"I don't know."

"Where is this even coming from? You were fine before."

"My mom likes you a lot. I don't want her to get her hopes up." 

"Are you expecting this to end? Is that what you mean?"

"I don't want it to, but..."

"Neither do I!"

"Maybe not yet." 

"Can you stop? I'm happy, I thought you were too." 

"George, I've never been happier! This is all too good to be true, you're too good to be true." He looked George in the eyes, his voice breaking. 

"Then stop trying to ruin it!" George heard the ghost of a faint beeping and an aching in his chest. 

"I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt you." He sounded so matter-of-fact. George felt his eyes begin to water, he didn't want this. This couldn't be happening.  

"What the fuck does that mean?" His voice was a whisper, laced with sorrow. 

Clay looked at the floor, "I love you, George."

"I love you."

"That's why I'm doing this." 

"Please don't, Clay."

"I'm sorry."

George was barely audible, "Please."

"I'll pay for your ticket."

George didn't realize but he had started crying at some point. "I don't care about the fucking ticket."

"I love you, George, so much." The same phrase that previously made George's cheeks red and the butterflies explode in his stomach now felt like a dagger, plunging deep into his skull. "I don't want to do this." He sounded so damaged.

"Then, don't."

"It'd be easier if you hated me than if you loved me."

"I could never hate you, Clay."

"That's the problem." 

Clay stood up, leaving George. The world ceased existing, his heart stopped beating, perhaps the sun exploded, also. He wished it had, that'd be better than this. George was all alone. The same loneliness he had felt for years, the longing so desperately to have Clay within his grasps, this was that suffering but amplified. 

George had become too attached, Clay was his lifeline, the only thing he wanted or cared about, yet he somehow fucked it all up and flatlined. Within an instant. He was empty. His soul was ripped from his being and locked away into that compound of a guestroom, so close yet hundreds of light-years away from Clay. 

What filled the soulless void was pure pain, it trickled down from his head to his toes, leaving his body shaky and cold. He was frozen, in fact, frozen somewhere, he couldn't quite remember where, though.

 All he could recall was a discord call, a dream featuring a faceless someone, an airplane, a statue, lots of hands and skin, clouded minds. It all blurred together, were they even real? Had George just imagined this perfect person and those perfect nights and those perfect feelings? He must have. Such perfection, a sense of purpose, that fairytale feeling from the movies, Clay, the result of all of that couldn't be heartache, right? 

If this was what was best for George, according to Clay, then why was he broken?  

Reality faded for a while before George found himself below fluorescent lights, sitting on a cold surface. He breathed in through his nose, feeling a stinging sensation enter his nasal cavity, the disinfectant they used smelled of chemicals and sour lemon. Something was called over the loudspeakers, probably an announcement, George was still too dissociated to hear it clearly. He zoned out, another booming from someone overhead. This time, he made out his own name. 

"Final Boarding call."