Toxic and in Love

Journal Day

A/n~ Enjoy this journal

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9:45am Mon Mar 15

I got 4 hours of sleep and I am beyond hyper and as psycho as yesterday. Ahaha oh how I love when I'm like this. Well this Psychoness has changed, I used to always have homicidal thoughts whist in this state but now I don't, we'll last night I had small thoughts but not towards the person you think it was. But I just look hot as hell, I've  never been this confident in how I look since she left, good I need this after having a mental breakdown or panic attack the past 4 nights in a row. Anyway I'm currently in Php, boring but mental help shit.

~Arson

12:54 pm 

I- again with her in google classroom. I didn't know what I was feeling. Guilt, sadness, happy, angry. She post in google classroom about a song. And I still couldn't know if she wanted me to see it or not but she posted that "Ready yet" by Sasha Sloan was what she was feeling. I googled the lyrics... she misses me... trust me google or listen to the song. I was in process group and I freaked out like full on tears and freakin screamed so loud my mom yelled at me. I freaking jumped back crying whacking my head on a stool still very confused at everything. So I put together a playlist called "Strangers with Memories" I always liked that quote never thinking I'd actually think about that more. But I need to not be in google classroom because I know this is gonna make my mental health get worse. That song is very accurate on both our sides, sure it may sound like all I want is her back but I need time and I hate saying that but I just know. I've learned so much while being in php but I'm still learning more and I need to focus on that. God I have a bump on my head anyway. That's it for now!

~ Arson

2:57pm

I'm over it now, I'm glad she hasn't forgotten about me. I mean that would be hard to being the one who hurt her. But she doesn't hate me at least I don't think. But it's not gonna change anything. I can't take back what I said or did and neither can she. So I have to suck it up and sleep all day because I have nothing better to do. I was gonna try and get lots of people to do Beetlejuice the musical run by teens but no one would wanna do it and it would end up going wrong since I don't have set pieces, but whatevs. Maybe me and her can become friends during Moana, or after it, or the beginning of next school year or a year or 2 from now but i could never know until we are both ready, and neither of us are. I have horrible terrible mental health and she did before even meeting me so I just made it worse and as much as I wanna be there for her and hug her I can't for a long time.  Sure I have Annie, Echo and Julia and some other impatient buddies but I was super close to Em. I'd always tell her what I was doing and when I was bored. She just made me happy ish, it's complicated all of it is. Anyway now it's nap time

~ Arson