Our Secret till the grave

Chapter 3: Goodbyes don't need to be sad

It happened at Oleg’s Funeral.

“Do you want to stay here, in Kiev?”
He knew it would come and it still caught him off guard.

Do you?” Hvitserk questioned back because he already knew he couldn’t stay even if it broke his heart
And hearing Ivar say “No” relieved him but also broke his already splitting heart in thousand pieces.

“Katya is carrying my Child.” Ivar suddenly said and Hvitserk could feel his pulse racing.

“Your child?” He said and tried to sound surprised but failed miserably.
“My child” Ivar answered, and he emphasized the “my” roughly making Hvitserk jump internally.
If Ivar noticed, he didn’t let it near him.

The night after the funeral, Hvitserk found himself outside of Katya’s Chamber.

She had followed him after the funeral and had caught him alone in one of the castles hallways.

“I would like to invite you to my Chamber tonight, Hvitserk” she had whispered in a hushed tone and before he could protest and ask why she would invite him and not Ivar into her bed she was gone.

So now he found himself outside of the Princesses sleep chamber and was debating whether he should really do this or not.

Finally, he knocked uncertain and was surprised to see that she opened the door like she had waited behind it for him.

Two steps inside her bedroom her lips were on his.

Hvitserk was stunned, he wasn’t dumb, he had known why the princess demanded his presence, but still, her enthusiasm caught him off guard.

He pushed her away from him, forehead pressed against her, both breathing heavily.
“Why are you doing this Katya? Shouldn’t you spend this last night with Ivar?” he mumbled against her lips.

She sighed, pushed his arms away and walked to the middle of her room, chewing on her bottom lip.
“I don’t want Ivar here tonight; he mistakes me for someone I’m not and it hurts to know that I will never be sufficient.”

"He tells me that he loves me, but we both know, that it's not the truth and that I will disappoint him someday." Katya angrily wiped the tears from her face and stepped closer to Hvitserk.
"But with you..." she whispered, the sentence left unanswered, her cheeks stained from fresh tears and her brown eyes full of hurt, guilt and something he couldn’t name.

Hvitserk felt his heart clenched at the wrecked sight of the beautiful princess, the future mother of his child. “but with me…” he tried to finish her sentence; her cold trembling hands tucked in his big warm ones, comforting her like she had comforted him back then.

“I can feel like I am me Hvitserk, you don’t give me the feeling of being someone else, you don't treat me like a ghost and your presence is good for me, you're healing me.”

Instead of saying something else he slowly lowered his lips against hers.
Their lips and tongues danced together slow and sensual, like lovers who wanted to savor every last moment of their feelings for each other.

As they laid together, his head on her belly and her hands fondling his braids a question occurred him.
“Do you think we will see each other again?”

Her hand in his hair stopped and she inhaled deep before answering.
“If god wants it, it will happen, you just have to believe.” He couldn’t see signs of tears in her eyes, but he could sense she was sad, so he plastered a short kiss on her still flat belly and soon they were both sleeping fondly, intertwined with each other.

“I really wish you could see your child grow up, Hvitserk. I’m sorry” were the last words she said to him when he rose in the early dawn about to return to his chamber.
Hvitserk knew this moment would come and his heart sank, and no answer fell from his lips.
Instead, he kissed her one last time, muttered a subtle “Goodbye Katya” against her lips and went to his own chamber.

Now, sitting on his horse waiting for Ivar to finish his goodbye speech with Katya, Hvitserk had to contemplate his own feelings for the Princess.

Yes, they were lovers, had a passionate affair, he was the father of her child, but definitely not a suitable couple.

Nevertheless, he could still feel her lips on his, her skin on his skin, her delicate body in his hands and still hear the sweet sounds of pleasure fall from her lips.
He could still hear her words to him about how he made her feel like a real person not a ghost to a guilty person.

Deep in his thoughts, Hvitserk flinched imperceptibly when he heard Ivar footsteps approaching.
Katya had her eyes on them, her posture was confident, and she smiled a smile to them.

Lastly her eyes set on him and a sad smile crossed her features so fast he almost missed it.
But he saw it and was remined that that was probably the last time he would see her and his child.
Although his thoughts were quite dark, he smiled a sincere smile at her, reassuring her everything was alright.

Riding out of Kiev and in the woods felt like freedom to Hvitserk and his heart finally felt at ease, no worries just the concept that every person was where he or she should be and it would work out.

And in the end, Hvitserk believed deeply in it.