hell or flying | Chaelisa

Chapter 33

She was right; I regretted it. All the times I would cut off the call before they'd even get the chance to finish their goodbyes. All the times I would decline their offers and invitations. I regretted never hearing them out and never making peace with them. Because even though Lisa helped open my eyes, it was too late then.

I didn't know back then that that conversation was the last one I would have with my parents. That I wouldn't come back home over winter break, bringing my girlfriend with me. I never got to make peace with my past because I realized my grudge too late. They died just a month later, and I did not once tell them I loved them. Never showed them I cared. And I had to live with that for the rest of my days.

Their will was the only personal thing they left behind. Within were the words they failed to tell me because I was too stubborn to let them. It held all the words I wished I could've heard with my own ears. I wanted to hear them say they were proud of me. I wanted to hear them acknowledge their mistakes and wanted to see them making the effort to make up for them. Then, more than ever, I wanted to move on. Wanted to get past the hurt and let the wounds become scars.

I wouldn't forget and forgive, but I would try not to live in the past. Lisa was right. What they did was inexcusable. I needed them and they weren't there and whatever their reason was; it wasn't good enough. The damage was done, but unlike Lisa's parents, mine saw it. I still had a chance at having a relationship with them, at least remotely close to how it used to be. But Lisa never would. And I knew she was right, that I would regret not taking the chance when I could have.

So I planned it all out then. Lisa and I would leave Los Angeles to come to Seoul. I would show her all my favorite places, introduce her as my girlfriend to my parents. She would be there with me, making it easier for me to take it all in. As always, she'd be the support system I needed and despite the reluctance, I kind of looked forward to it.

But then it never happened. They died suddenly, and all my plans shattered. Lisa was right again; the night changes. Who's here one day, might not be the other. And unfortunately, that's exactly what happened.

I woke up to a phone call one night, and that was it. That was the end of all my dreams of the future. One call, few words, and it all changed so drastically. They've given me all that I was supposed to see when we arrived, all the documents to sign. I did so absentmindedly, my heart still with my lover and my mind with those I've lost.

And I couldn't bring myself to read their will when they've given it to me, their voices gentle but falling upon deaf ears. I didn't read it for the next month, only stayed inside the empty, quiet house, grieving and wishing things were different. That I would've called, that I would've acted sooner. That I haven't had to leave, and that neither have they. Wishing that once I would have had opened my eyes, I would have woken up in Lisa's arms where everything was okay again.

But I haven't. No matter how much I prayed and hoped, none of it came true, and I got stuck in a life I didn't want. I read the will repeatedly, soaking it in my tears and almost ripping it to shreds on many occasions. Until I stopped. I couldn't bear the pain anymore, the guilt eating me up from the inside.

And so I complied with their wishes. I owed it to them after shunning them from my life and pretending they didn't exist. It was the least I could do for them. I distanced myself from the life I left behind, acted like it didn't matter, like the thought of leaving her forever didn't break me to pieces.

I would find peace at the bottom of liquor bottles when no one was looking, falling asleep in the arms of faux bliss just to do it all over again. It was just after I tied the knot with the man I didn't love, did I allow myself to face the reality, not seeking escape in the ultimate poison of lies and disorientation. I wouldn't let him see me that way. My parents would want me to honor my husband, to be a good wife to represent him.