love, cheater ➳ ziam au

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Dear Liam Malik-Payne,

Gosh I will never get tired of that name. A reminder of how you're mine. I know you don't feel the same way, but you'll always be mine. No one else's. Always mine.

I think you didn't get my letter last time. Either that or you don't know who sent it. Because I signed off with 'love, cheater'. It's me, love, if you're wondering. Zayn. Your Zayn.

You might be wondering why I signed off with 'love, cheater'. You've always been so curious and inquisitive. I even remember how cute you looked when you asked what a bløwjob was.

Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked again. Its because there's no other word that can describe me. Cheater. Now that's a disgusting and brutal word. Resembles me quite a lot, don't you think so?

If it had been any circumstance, you would've soothed me and criticized me for thinking so ill of myself. But I bet you're cursing me right now, hoping that I would just die. I wouldn't blame you. I want to die too.

Paul said I'm doing good. It's nice having someone to vent out my feelings to. Harry stays over, but he ignores me. He only stays there to make sure I don't do anything stupid. I'm not surprised that Harry's pissed off. After all, him and Niall were together. But he hasn't taken it too harsh. Probably because their relationship was just a two-week-fling.

God, now I'm wondering how you felt like. We've been dating for like 3 years, married for two. Gosh, Li, how did you deal with me cheating on you for one year during our 5 year relationship!

But that's one of the many things I love about you, Li. You're so strong, brave, noble, kind, hardworking- basically all of the things I'm not.

But even the strongest of people have a breaking point.

Why didn't you just beat me into a bloody pulp? That would've been less hurtful than this. Liam, the regret is nipping at my heart and its slowly devouring my entire soul. I feel so empty without you, damn it.

Yet, you've never ceased to amaze me. You always used to tell me that you loved me before falling asleep. And I used to merely grunt in response- and you could practically smell someone else's cologne on me but you always stayed. And I left.

You would wake up in the morning and I would never be there. I would always be gone to Niall's flat. Liam, I can't believe it. How could I be so fucking stupid?

I had a perfect family. A loving husband, a cheerful son, and I threw it all away just because I thought my feelings for Niall were resurfacing and that alcohol was a really nice companion.

Fuck, Li. I've just realized how I never told you how much I love you for a year. A year. 12 months. 365 days. And each day, you'd remind me how much you actually loved me. Wether it was when I was drunk to when I was leaving for Niall's place.

I don't understand though. You knew. You knew I was cheating on you. But you never accused me. Why? I think there was this one time that you did....

God, I screamed at you, didn't I? Why am I remembering this now? I screamed at you and told you that it was none of your business and that I could do whatever the fuck I want.

And to think, you still hugged me while we fell asleep.

I'm such an ungrateful git, Liam. I'm an ignorant bastard. And you're so kind and loving. Why did you even choose me?

I've been walking around in your shirts, you know. They smell so much of you. I forgot how you smelt, Liam. You're the best smelling thing ever.

On another note, I found my wedding ring. It was buried under the bed. I feel like jumping off a building, Liam. It's so beautiful and I know how you got it custom made especially for me. And I threw it away, I threw us away.

I'm such a monster. I can't believe I did this to you. My beautiful, gorgeous Liam. My baby. My everything.

I hurt my baby.

And that's not what I wanted at all. I love you, Liam. So fucking much. And now I regret never listening to your 'I love you's. I never knew they were going to be your last.

And it pisses me off that I was always half drunk when you would say I love you. All I have are hazy memories of your smile, your laugh, your touch, your kisses, and somewhere buried in them, I think I'll be able to spot an 'I love you'.

It hurts, Liam. It honestly does. I haven't been able to kiss you, more or less touch you for like a year. And I want your touch, I want your kiss. I want it so bad, you have no idea.

I've stopped drinking alcohol, if you wanted to know. Figured my life was already fucked up so a fucked up drink could make it worse. Paul said I might have painful withdrawals. But honestly, not having my baby by my side- I can't really imagine anything more painful than that.

I should go now. Tell Louis that daddy still loves him, and that he left his red power ranger behind, but I'm taking good care of it, pinky promise.

And I love you, Liam James Malik-Payne. So much. My heart is yours.

Love,
Cheater

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~Harry