In which the fandom kills me (Finphie/Sophintan Oneshots)

Untitled Part 31

Okay! Details for this AU are that Sophie's still good at school, but she only skipped two grades in this. She's also older when Fitz finds her, about 20 or so? She and Fintan meet when she's about 25, because eveything is kind of delayed. The Nevereen take longer to actually target her, and Grady and Edaline un-adopt her at about 3 years into her stay in the Lost Cities. Fintan is actually a part of the Black Swan in this. 

This is a Soulmate AU, and you communicate by visiting them in dreams and by writing on yourself. 

Also if self harm/pyromania/depression triggers you, then please skedaddle.

I guess worth is in the eye of the beholder, but I don't feel worth anything right now. A hot hand is on my shoulder, steering me away from danger.

Live to fight another day, it seems to say, I'm here. It's silly- no one's there. Just me and the soulmate gently tugging me away from all the chaos. It seems to know that all of the social requirements will just aggravate my anxiety.

But I have to go talk to them, or I won't have friends, I think, annoyed.

My soulmate doesn't listen. Oh well, I tried. I hide my relief. I don't want to talk, and I really don't want to deal with anything but school. Even that I don't want to deal with, but it is what it is.

"I don't... I don't know what to do," Tears trickle down my cheek, "I want to... but I can't say that. I have it great. Right?"

I feel warm arms wrapping around me, and I smile, tipping my head back. Their chest supports my head, even if no one can see.

It feels like going home.

And when I close my eyes this time, I don't imagine that I'm dying.

________

My soulmate tries to pry my fingers open, but they don't win this one. The lighter flicks on, and a grin lights up my face. It feels so warm, so safe, so... right. They don't risk trying to stop me- I could get burned, I suppose, which wouldn't be so bad. But I could also burn down the house, and I would feel so terrible. 

I just sigh softly, taking the post-it note and watching the flames lick up the pink surface. It's so satisfying. Like a literal tongue of flame. But it doesn't last, so I get another.

When I'm done, they're all gone, and I search for something to burn.

I get used to the routine, and I know ways of keeping my soulmate from stopping me now I can do things in school, too. Pretend to need to erase a lot of things, then erase until the rubber starts to burn. I don't think that my soulmate knows until I start to press the burning hot eraser against my arm, to burn. They start trying to stop me from erasing, but I don't let them.

It feels so nice, too. The burning hurts, but I don't mind. In fact, that's why I do it. I'm starting to realize it's a problem. I've started hanging around the counselor's office, about to tell her, but don't. I try so hard, but I can't reach out.

Finally, one day she asks me what's wrong. I won't tell her.

It's hard. Hard to hide these things, and my soulmate keeps nudging me towards the self help sections of bookstores, poking me as we walk by pamphlets. I shake my head each time, sighing. It's not that I don't want help, it's just that it's too hard. Because then it'll be embarrassing- humiliating to have people know.

 I never get help.

________

Then my life's being turned upside down. I get told I'm not human, that elves are perfect, and he knows I am because I am.

What would he say if he knew? Would he still think I'm perfect? Would he still say that he knows I must be amazing? That I'm great? Would he still look at me in that adoring way?

"... I'm really not perfect." I say it to the wind as I make my way home. I shake my head, and my soulmate wipes away my tears. I lean into their hand. I need comfort right now, and I don't have anyone else to get it from.

It hurts when your only friend is someone who the universe says has to love you.

It really, really hurts.

________

I want to cry. I want to cry so badly. It hurts, and there's pressure burning behind my eyes. But I don't. I'm a good kid. I promise I am.

I should've known good things don't last. That pain is just my constant. Why does it matter, anyway?

It's normal. It's fine. I don't..."I don't need anyone anyway." I realize I said it out loud. A hug from my soulmate feels better, though. It feels so much better. I do need someone, but maybe when I meet them in real life it'll be better. Maybe I'll feel whole.

________

I feel a hand on my shoulder, steering me away from the matches. "Hi. It's just... I don't know what to do, you know?" I say softly, "You must think me insane. I was tortured with fire, and i still love it more than anything. I can't help it." I feel a soft sigh against my cheek.

"Do you... do you know if there's a way you could show me who you are? I'm tired. I... I need someone." My voice is soft, and weak, and so scared.

"Not now?" I ask, frowning as pen ink writes across my palm.

"Why?" I ask, but they just rub calming circles into my wrist. I nod, accepting it for now. I'm tired. They just hold me, rocking me as I cry.

________

I wake up one day, and I realize that there's a test for this. I don't know if I want to take it, for some reason. There's something strange about it, about knowing this person as a real person, when I've known them as a touch my whole life. 

"I... you don't want me to know who you are, do you? Do you like me at all? You... you can be honest."

It's not you, I promise. Is scrawled along my forearm, dodging all of the scars peppered on it.

"You swear to me that it's not because you've seen what I do?" They know what I mean. I can tell.

Yes. I smile at the response, nodding.

"... don't betray my trust. You're the only person I really trust lately, anyway."

________

"Fintan?" I ask quietly, practically mewling the question in my softest voice.

"Yes. It's me. It's me, Sophie."

"Huh. I guess that makes sense." I say, relaxing into his touch."

"Crap, Sophie, can't we do this somewhere else?" He mutters, "You have a knack for meeting me in the worse ways." He adds.

I chuckle.

"Yeah, I do, but that's beside the point."

"It really is. On our next outing, how about some mallowmelt and... not Mount Everest?" He offers.

"Sounds good." I say, laughing despite myself. I have to be honest, I haven't laughed in a while. 

It's really nice.

________

It feels like... love. Love. Something I can't say I've felt so purely. 

It's not like I really got to have someone stable- well, ever.

Love. I muse over the word.

I like the sound it makes in my ears as I think it.