hell or flying | Chaelisa

Chapter 32

So though she made the generous offer, I couldn't hold her to it. But I didn't struggle alone. No matter how much I tried to hide it from her, she always seemed to know when she'd hear my voice over the phone. She would always ask how I was doing if I was eating, drinking enough water, and getting enough sleep. Even if my answers remained unchanged, Lisa would always check up on me, anyway.

And sometimes, I would let her see. It was hard opening up when I couldn't see her gentle eyes or feel her touch. When I suspected that no matter what I said, she wasn't the only one hearing. Yet, she made it so easy still. Though I fought it every time, I wasn't always able to win the battle and I would be honest and raw how I knew she wanted me to be.

Despite not going through it herself, she was the only one that understood me; the only one who could make the pain a little more bearable. So even if I'd break down, if I'd cry into the microphone, she wouldn't end the call. She would stay and she would listen. She would whisper comforting words that, despite her lack of presence, soothed my aching heart. Lisa was the only stable thing I had in my life, the only person I could truly lean on, and the only one who made me feel relevant.

Even though I would question myself sometimes, invalidate my feelings, say hurtful things to her just so she would leave me alone how I thought I deserved to be, she persevered. If I pushed, she would pull. If I would doubt myself, no matter how many times it was necessary, she would give me the constant reassurance I needed. For what she couldn't heal with her hands, she made up by using her voice and kind words.

Lisa always knew what to say. Whatever the situation was or how low I've got, she would always say just what I needed to hear. Or she wouldn't say anything at all and she'd just listen to the voice of a broken soul, speaking empty words of doubt and self-loathing into the small device. Only after I would finish she'd speak her truth and I would somehow feel whole again.

I would lie if I said I didn't need her. That I didn't need her touch, her smell, her warmth, but unfortunately, she was out of reach, and for now, this was all I could have. And I didn't take it for granted. I cherished every minute I got to talk to her and hear her voice.

Because the truth was, she was what was keeping me alive. She was the one who was keeping me sane. And I could never thank her enough for that.

But I still felt guilty. Lisa deserved so much better than this life in secrecy. She deserved to move on with her life, not move backward, and I couldn't help myself but think I was holding her back. And so every time she would pick up the phone, an insane amount of guilt would overcome my body. Because despite her words, I knew I would never get out of here. We would never be the Lisa and Rosie we once used to be.

However, I was selfish. Despite the guilt, the hate, the anger, and sadness, despite it all, I wasn't able to let go. It was toxic probably. I couldn't be sure anymore since I wasn't really sure of anything these days, but I needed her. Needed that silver lining, that small ray of sunshine in the darkness, needed the rope to hang on to; the firm ground under my feet preventing me from falling. Lisa presented me with all, and so, despite knowing how unfair this all was to her, I couldn't let her go even if I knew it was the right thing to do.

Because without her, I had no one. I was all alone, and I knew it wouldn't take long until I'd succumb to the hell of insanity.

It was only with Lisa's continuous support that I was still here. She, and the unspoken promise I made to Annabeth to not give up for her. But I knew it would become increasingly more difficult to keep that promise without Lisa by my side. And I guess, somewhere deep down, I knew I would fail her if she wasn't with me. That the two were what was left of me.

Today, I woke up in pain. I was, as always, on the left side of the bed. However, the right side was unmade, and despite the cold surface now, I knew I hadn't slept alone. That, however, didn't explain the swelling and bruising on my body, I noticed after I lifted the sheet. Nor did it explain why my body was nude despite clearly remembering wearing my silk nightgown before going to bed.