Paradise Lost

Chapter 12

Let's get this show on the road.

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Early morning 5th April 1917 – Sergeant Major Rigo Murillo's point of view

I cannot sleep, not with all these thoughts running through my mind. I get my matches and light the candle at my bedside. I know what will calm me down when I am feeling like this. I quietly walk out of my room and set the light down on the dresser. I then carefully sit on it without making too much noise. I'm still learning how the three new ones are when it comes to sleeping whether they are light or heavy sleepers. I know how heavy Danny and Jorel can sleep most of the time. In front of me is Danny, fast asleep facing me. He is almost always at his most peaceful state when he is asleep, and he has luckily not had any nightmares for a couple of weeks now. I touch the wood I am sitting on in hopes that I do not jinx it for him.

I am his older brother; I am the one who is supposed to protect him from any harm and yet I have failed him so many times repeatedly. I am still at war inside my head if this is the right place for him to be. He is safer here then he would be at home as father cannot hurt him, but I really do not think that this war is the right situation for him to be in. He is so young, and I know he has found love with Dylan and a bother in Jorel, Matthew and Jordon, but I would much rather they all be at home where it is safer from the threat of war. Sadly, with the threat of America entering the war being imminent it is important that the army has fit and healthy young men to help fight for their country and for freedom.

I want my family to be back together, I want to live in a house with my mother and my sister as well as my two brothers. I want to experience life the way we never got to do as children. I do not want to be looking over my shoulder all the time waiting for father to decide he is angry with us and we deserve punishment when we have done nothing wrong. I wish it had stopped at me; I wish that my baby brothers did not have to endure what they did. That is why I feel as if as an older brother I have failed in my most important role, to protect the little ones born after I am. I heard George's door open and close, but I paid no further attention to it. Then he walks over to me and sits down so that the light from the candle is between us.

"I wish I had a camera to capture that peaceful innocence he always has when he is having a good night's rest," George comments, and I nod. It is hard not to agree when you know that despite all the crap we have been through over the years the one thing that always remains for certain is how innocent Danny looks. At first glance you would not know that he has endured 20 years of the worst torture known to man. You would expect what we went through to happen to people in prisoner of war camps or something, not your own home and certainly not done by your own father. "I would love it even more if he kept that innocence all the time," I admit to him quietly.

"Rigo, you can't blame yourself for what that bastard did to you and your brothers. I bet if you asked them they would say the same. Considering your circumstances I think you still hold the title of best big brother in the universe to them," George tells me. I guess he is right, I could ask both Danny and Kyle when I next see him what they think, and they would say that. He did not say it yet, but he would say that both my mother and my sister would also agree too. At least father never dared to hurt either mother or sister no matter what he was feeling at the time and how we were doing at the time. Mother has reassured me a few times that she is safe at home, but I am never one hundred percent convinced.

"I know, but I still feel as if I could have done more. I could have managed to convince father to let me take a few more blows instead of them. Make me sleep outside that night after their fifth birthdays," I tell him. George has this way with me that he can barely stay anything, and I will tell him whatever is bothering me at the time. "I know and I have often thought myself that if I could trade places with your brothers then I would. Before you say anything I would much rather deal with it than them," George tells me, knowing full well I am not best pleased with that, but I know it comes from a good place. He means well, but at the same time we both know and agree that it would be the best if none of us have to go through that.