TEACH ME

Chapter 20

Lauren's POV

I always liked to reflect on my life, pin point moments that meant something so I could smugly examine how far I'd come.. every time I'd always smile to myself with a cocky grin, deep breaths and a glance at my bank account.. that's all it took to make me feel better most days.. the thought of having endless money and a career others could only dream of..

Somehow lately though my smugness came less from the money in my purse and the diamonds around my ankle and more so from the toddler straddling my waist with a bottle of warm milk pressed snugly against my cheek while Finley painted my toenails a bright princess pink.. toys on the floor and a 10 year old chewing candy like an animal..

I'd always imagined being a teacher.. a normal one anyway, not the shit I do now which I can safely say is cryptic and wildly under wraps.. but regardless I still met my own expectations.. what I didn't imagine however was the girl across the room stacking Lego's with a 3 year old stealing my cold heart in the process.. I couldn't tell you when it happened or how for that matter either..

It bothered me at first.. I'd always managed to keep feelings away with the other girls, probably because I refrained from sleeping with them twice although lately I came to realise that maybe slutting out every night wasn't the best idea.. Sam's little event alone left me remedying words with at least 3 familiar faces.. it didn't take long to feel like home however.. Camila that was, having someone to touch and hold that I didn't have to pretend around.. someone that knew the things I tried to hide from others.. she's a steady place to let down my defences..

The only problem is that I'm terrified of telling her.. not because I'm unsure or worried of the response.. more so that I don't want to hurt her if she felt the same way.. I didn't care normally about hurting people.. as much as I blamed the reason for my one night stands on my unstable upbringing that was just a mere excuse.. the real reason a lot deeper and harder to admit.. harder for people to understand..

I didn't want Camila to have to loose.. sit alone with a broken heart because I wasn't there? So long as I didn't tell her she'd never have to feel those things.. I guess I already fucked up with the kids though.. like she said they form attachments quickly and have no concept of 'keeping feelings out' I'd hurt them too eventually.. there was no way around it.. but for now I guess I'll just take the moment as it is..

Deal with the bullshit later...

"You know you daydream a lot? Something on your mind?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, sorry I was just floating in my own head for a minute there.. I'm just gonna put it down to the warm baby guzzling milk on my chest.. baby noises soothe me.."

I laughed fluttering as the younger sank to kneel beside me, her caramel fingertips grazing over Parker's drooping arms as he fight back the urge to fall asleep, I loved him a lot.. all of them.. they were precious and kind, just like her.. exactly like her actually even down to the tantrums..

"He is deceivingly cute.. like me!"

"Mhmm! You wish baby girl!"

I scoffed back even though I knew it was true.. she called me special yesterday and I almost feared she'd tell me she loved me or something.. she didn't, only pulled away with a renewed smile before grabbing her bag to leave.. part of me was sad to know she'd not moved to express her feelings, if she had them, part of me happy.. I couldn't really explain it..

"I'll go take him to bed and you can choose a movie or something?"

"Fine by me!"

I respond as her fingers slip between my arms to grab for his body, the floppy head and dangling legs forcing me to smile as I search beneath the blankets for the remote control, times like this I cherished knowing we could be together, share hugs and embraces as if completely normal for us to do considering we were only 'fuck buddies'... Sam's words not mine!