IF THEY LIVED (Harry Potter)

35|THANK YOU

James watched in shock as he saw his best friend start crying uncontrollably. His shoulders were shaking and his knees were pressed tightly against his chest, while his face was hiding behind his hands. Harry was left lying on the bed next to Sirius.

"Sirius," James said softly and urgently at the same time, as he picked up his son, who was now slowly waking up. He wanted to know what happened, but didn't want to upset Sirius even more.

"Sirius... Sirius, please talk to me."

But Sirius kept crying, muttering words, James could not understand.

"Whatever happened... It's not your fault..."

Sirius's shoulders stopped shaking for a moment, as he uncovered his bloodshot eyes and looked up at James.

"You don't know what happened," Sirius said darkly. James opened his mouth, but no words came out. They continued to stare at each other for a few moments.

"No, I don't know..." James said slowly after a period of time that felt like hours. "But I'm sure you-"

"Don't say it," Sirius interrupted him, shaking his head viscously. "Don't say it, you don't know what I-"

"As long as you didn't skip over to Lily and started torturing her for information, I am not going to blame you, Sirius," James said loudly and Sirius started crying again.

"But I... I d-did..."

"What do you mean?" James asked sternly after a moment of silence.

"I did e-everything," Sirius said, covering his face with his hands again. "Everything you see.... Everything... I did that..."

"I'm pretty sure I saw Voldemort cutting her throat open while you were unconscious," James said bitterly. "So, I'm pretty sure you didn't do everything."

"Voldemort did what?" Sirius's head snapped up from his hands to look at Lily. "How did she survive that?"

"Beats me, but it was healed when we got here... I was sure she was..." James couldn't finish his sentence, although he was certain that Sirius understood him.

"Thank Merlin she's alright," Sirius said quietly, his gaze returning to his lap. The tension was still there though. James wondered what Sirius meant by saying that he did everything to her, but couldn't gather the courage to return to that topic.

"I know what you want to ask," Sirius said quietly after a minute. "I know what you want to know, so just ask me."

James took a deep breath and looked at Sirius, who didn't meet his eye.

"What... what did you do?" James said in a partial whisper and it was Sirius's turn to take a deep breath, as he gathered all his energy to produce the following sentence.

"The bruises on her face, the carved letter on her arm, the Cruciatus Curse, everything that happened before the Shrieking Shack was me." Sirius said.

"The Cruciatus Curse?" James repeated. "How-"

"It was up to me." Sirius snapped. "Everything was up to me and I chose this."

"I don't understand, Sirius," James said slowly. "Did they make you do it? Was it the Impe-"

"No," Sirius said sharply, "I was completely sane, I was-"

"Did you want this to happen?" James asked sternly.

"Well no, but-"

"Well, then you didn't do this." James snapped and Sirius sighed in frustration.