Maybe love at first sight isn't what we think it is. Maybe it's recognizing a soul we loved in our past lives and falling in love with them again. You were my first love and you will be my last even in the past, present and in the future.
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I thought for a while, did God just gave me a second chance to live? to enjoy my life? but this is not my body. Where did the soul of this body go? did she die? Why do I have her body and name? Too many questions but there's no explanations.
I shrugged and trying to forget all these things running in my mind. I am in an unknown house, and I have no idea where this place is. There are two people here, a man and a woman whom they said I should call them my mom and dad, but they don't look like my past parents.
"Hillary? My dear daughter, where are you?"
As soon as I heard those voices, I immediately lay on my bed pretending to be asleep.
I don't want to talk to them, or seeing them either..
What I want is everything to be normal, everything to its place, everything to be back, but it seems like everything went wrong. How could I even start my life? How could I even know? When everything is not right. Is to live to suffer? Is to live happily too much to ask? Is to live the reason why everyone wants to die? Is to live a very hard thing?
Oo, gusto kong mabuhay. Alam ko na namatay ako sa nakaraan ko pero ni-isang alaala tungkol sa nakaraan ko ay wala akong maalala. Kahit kung sino ang mga magulang ko, ang mga kapatid ko o kaya kasintahan ko. Paano ako magsisimulang muli kung wala akong alaala tungkol sa kanila? O di kaya ay ako'y muling nabuhay para magsimulang muli sa buhay ko?
How will I live my life when everything feels so heavy?
It feels like i'm carrying tons of burden in my back.
It just feels so heavy and painful.
Agad akong bumangon at saglit na napaisip, what if I go to my grave?
Dali dali akong kumuha ng maisusuot at pati na rin ng coat since it's winter, saktong paglabas ko ng kwarto ay bumungad sa akin ang mga magulang ko.
"Hillary, where will you go?" she asked me, caressing my hair.
"Uhhm, just somewhere? I guess." sagot ko at patuloy na naglakad.
"Okay, be right back as soon as possible. Take care!" tugon niya at agad naman akong pumunta sa garage nagsimulang magmaneho ng sasakyan ni Papa.
Habang pinagmamasdan ko ang paligid ng dinadaanan ko ay may mga bagay na pilit na pumapasok sa isip ko, mga bagay na nagsasabing parte ang mga ito ng nakaraan ko. Hindi ko alam kung paano masasagot lahat ng mga katanungan sa isip ko, dahil wala akong alam kahit isa. Ang alam ko lang ay ang tanging pangalan ko.
I found myself standing in front of a cemetery, seeing all these graveyards are sending shivers down to my spine. I feel like i'm going to burst out of tears in any time.
Hindi ko alam kung saan ang lapida ko, kaya nilibot ko na lamang ang buong sementeryo. Kahit na ang lawak ng sementeryo ay pilit ko paring hinahanap ang pangalan ko.
Sa ilang minutong paglilibot ko ay nakita ko na rin ito. Yeah, that name was once mine. That whole existence was once mine. But now, i'm living in a different name, existence and surroundings.
Pansin ko ang bulaklak na nasa gilid nito, at may box pa ng mga doughnuts. Isang papel ang kumuha ng atensyon ko, a note?
"I miss you everyday. I miss you forever, my wife."
Saglit akong napatigil ng mabasa iyon. My wife? I had a husband from the past?
Inikot ko ang mata ko nang mapansin ko rin ang isang lapida na nasa tabi ng akin.
Min Riyu?
Who is this guy? Namatay siya kasabay ko?!
Ang daming mga bagay na tumatakbo sa isip ko, pero sino sila? at anong relasyon ko sa kanila sa nakaraan kong buhay?
Napaupo na lamang ako sa damuhan habang pilit na pinapadaloy ng maayos ang mga nasa isipan ko. Ang dami ko palang hindi alam sa buong pagkatao ko, mga bagay na hindi ko alam kung kailan mabibigyan ng sagot. Mga bagay na kailanma'y mananatiling walang kasagutan.
I thought being able to live again will give me the chance to be happy, to live my life, and continue my dreams but I was wrong. All of my assumptions from the very start were wrong, all of them were opposite. To live is to suffer and to die to be in peace. How I wish I didn't rose to life again, maybe I am happier than today. There is no beauty in sadness at all. No honor in suffering, no growth in fear, no relief in hate. It's just a waste of perfectly good happiness.
"Yoongi!" saglit akong napalingon ng marinig ko ang pangalan na iyon.
His name...
"Mwoya?" sagot niya habang naglalakad papunta sa akin.
"Aren't you tired visiting here?" tanong ng lalakeng kasama niya, he's handsome and has a cute boxy smile.
"Why would I be tired visiting my wife?" sagot niya at para bang huminto ang pintig ng puso ko.
"Aish, you visit here everyday. Yuri must be so happy because her husband keeps on visiting her. She's lucky to have you, hyung. She's very very lucky, and I hope Yuri is happy on where she is today. Atleast, the heaven gained another angel." sabi ng kasama niya habang ako ay nanatili pa rin sa kinauupoan ko.
Nagulat ako ng makita ko ang lalaking sinasabing asawa ko noon ay tumingin sa akin.
"Um, h-hi? do you perhaps know this girl?" tanong niya sa akin.
Hindi ko man lang siya sinagot at agad na tumayo at umalis roon. Masyado akong kinakabahan at para bang ang bilis ng pintig ng puso ko, hindi maaari.
Yoongi... yoongi... yoongi...
His name sounds peaceful and happiness for me.
His name gives me butterflies.
His name makes me smile.
His name gives me comfort.
Yoongi, who are you?
and why am I feeling this for you?
I don't even know you.
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