Bad Decisions - Alex Turner

57. My Lover's Murderer

  "You're not, Orion, you're not," Alex said, holding my cheek gently. "He's full of shit. He always fucking has been."

  "I know, and I'm sorry for even letting it get to me," I wept in embarrassment. "I didn't say anything when I saw you because I know that it's stupid and pathetic that I'm even letting him affect me but when he brought you up I just got so scared of losing you that I didn't want to worry you anymore and drag you down like I have been for so long."

"O," he said softly, bringing my into his arms as I began to sob at my patheticness, "you've never dragged me down. Yer not stupid or pathetic, he's a fucking scumbag and what he said is so fucked up and disgusting I'd be surprised if you weren't affected at all."

He cradled my head into his chest, rubbing an arm up and down my side, "yer so strong baby, but I want you to know: if anything like that happens, you can talk to me about it. I'm not gonna be upset or inconvenienced or anything like that. You're my absolute priority and I would drop everything in a second for you."

"I just don't want to worry you or weigh you down," I sniffled. "Because I know I can be too much sometimes—"

"No no no," Alex said, shaking his head, "you're never too much. There has never been a moment where you've weighed me down, not once. And I'm only ever worried because I love you so much and I just want to help you wherever I can."

  "But I'm hurting you," I said to him, my voice broken and fragile.

  Alex shook his head, "how many times do I have to tell you? You could never hurt me. So please, just talk to me so I can try me best to help you. And if you don't want me to involve myself too much that's okay, I'll give you all the space you need; but I hate seeing you so miserable, darling...I just want to know what you're going through."

  I bit down hard on the insides of my cheeks. All I could see through my glossy vision was the reassuring, equally in pain look in his eyes.

  I pulled myself together, for his sake if not for anything else, inhaling a deep breath and wiping my cheeks. "I don't think I'm ever going to get over Amie," I confessed.

  I watched as heartbreak flushed through Alex's eyes.

  "I know it hasn't even been six months but...I just feel so broken all the time. Like a piece of me is missing because I know she's never coming back," I said, trying my absolute best to keep myself together. "It hasn't gotten easier. It's always on my mind and I can still find moments of happiness but underlying I'm always still grieving because I can't let go and I can't move on."

  "You don't have to," Alex said gently, "you're trying to push yourself through one of the toughest things anyone could ever go through, so fast and you're expecting so much from yourself when you don't need to. I'm so sorry that it hasn't gotten easier but that's not your fault. I know how much she meant to you and it's okay to still be hurting even now. It doesn't mean you're going to feel broken forever."

  "I'm worried I am," I whimpered. "I only feel whole when I'm with you and even then I can't stop myself from worrying that I'm leaning on you too much when you've got a million other things to do. I just feel like poison sometimes."

  "No, baby, no," Alex hushed and hugged me tight once more. "You're never leaning too much, I promise you."

  "I know I owe you the whole truth but sometimes I feel so ashamed of myself," I admitted, "to the point where I don't even want to talk about it and it's got nothing to do with you or confiding in you. I want to tell you everything but I'm just...I'm damaged."

  "Don't you dare say that," Alex whispered, gently rocking us back and forth methodically. "You're the strongest person I've ever met. O, you've been through so much and you pick yerself back up every time and I admire you so much for that. It's okay to feel helpless but I'm right here. I'm always right here." He placed a hand on my cheek and wiped his thumb over my tears.