Bad Decisions - Alex Turner

57. My Lover's Murderer

  I found my throat dry and empty of words. He wanted me to speak and for some reason I just couldn't.

  "Fuck, Orion," he exhaled in frustration, "I want to help you! But I can't if I don't know what's going on! I can't keep putting things together on me own and praying I'm reading you right or else I'll fuck something up!"

  "Al—"

  "Why can't you just talk to me?" he begged, "I'm giving you everything I can, but we're going nowhere better than stalemate if you can't tell me how you're feeling. And I know that's not what you want and that's not what I want so please, why have you built up this wall between us?"

  "Because I'm terrified," I admitted.

  A deafening silence rang over us. I watched as the light in Alex's eyes disappeared. He crumbled to pieces right before my eyes and I could see in the reflection of his that I was crumbling too.

  "Of what?" he asked in a fragile voice, "baby, all I want is for you to tell me what's wrong. That's it. I just want to help...please Orion, please let me help you."

  Tears were streaming down his face. He looked so broken it made my heart bleed for him. There was nothing I hated seeing more than Alex crying. In complete despair. His eyes red and shoulders slumped in defeat as I moved over to him and sat by his side.

"I'm sorry," I said to him, gently putting a hand on his cheek and tilting his face up to me. My hands were trembling, I was so scared no matter how much I knew I needed to tell him everything.

Alex's eyes were glistening, soft tears rolling down his cheeks as he met my gaze and waited in agonising patience for me to say something. I could see how much he was hurting and it truly broke me apart. I owed him my openness above anything else, he'd always been there for me and I knew he always would be so why was I so scared of telling him everything I'd been going through?

  Alex moved a hand to mine and squeezed it reassuringly.

  I was scared of being damaged goods that were never going to be fixed. And I was scared that I was burdening him with feeling responsible for making sure I was okay. If I could go back in time I would've told him everything as I went through it because now I could see how much my silence was paining him. It's okay. It's Alex. Talk to him.

  I inhaled a deep, shaky breath, squeezing his warm hand tightly and finding myself struggling to look him in the eye. "I...I bumped into Christian this morning," I finally said, "while I was in the city..."

"Wait, seriously?" Alex stammered, catching my line of sight and holding my hand tighter. I looked at him guiltily, ashamed of myself. "O..." he said softly but I couldn't read a single part of his expression.

"I didn't even know he was here..." I said. "And I know I should've just walked off when I realised it was him but I couldn't bring myself to...and he started saying all this shit to hurt me and break me down and I know I shouldn't but I can't stop thinking about it."

"What did he say?" Alex asked.

I shrugged, "that I'm not really good for anything but using people and holding them back. That...if I really cared about you I wouldn't have got into a relationship with you..." my throat was so dry, constantly causing my voice to crack over my words.

  "He said..." I began to cry, not so much sobbing but more so that there were unstoppable tears now pouring down my cheeks, gathering at my chin and running down my neck.  "He said that you're bound to get sick of me soon because I fuck everything and everyone around me up."

  I looked up at him now, meeting his eyes and panicking that he was going to tell me Christian was right or at least think so. "I'm so sorry I didn't tell you when you got back," I said honestly. "I was just...I am ashamed of myself for even letting his words get to me...but I can't shake them and I can't help but worry that he's right and that I'm just hurting you and screwing things up between us."