Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 948: Thursday 2nd May 2019

We waited for our dates a little longer when we both looked down the high street. "Sh*t," TJ. "What's up?" I asked. "Well you see that bird walking this way? The one with the red rose?" said TJ. "Yes," I said. "Well that must be my date, Marie," said TJ, "She's the moody b*tch who I tried to chat up in Sainsbury's yesterday who whacked me round the face with her chicken breasts." "Ha!" I laughed, "Brilliant. It serves you right for being a tw*t doesn't it? Well, this is going to be an interesting evening. I think you can kiss good bye to those ten credits." I then looked ahead down the high street and noticed my date; a young attractive woman wearing a white rose, but this woman was also someone I had encountered before. "Oh sh*t," I gasped. "What you saying sh*t for?" I asked. "Well, you see that woman walking towards us with the white rose?" I said, discreetly referring to the woman who was approaching a few metres behind TJ's date. "Yeah," said TJ. "Well, that must be may date Nikki," I said, "I hit her yesterday with my sweeping brush and called her a stuck-up b*tch." "Ha!" Classic," giggled TJ, "Typical Luke." "Yes, but more to the point what are we going to do?" I said, "Marie won't want to go on a date with you, and Nikki won't want to go on a date with me." "I know!" said TJ, "They're coming here to meet TJ and Luke but they don't know what we look like. You pretend to me and I'll pretend to be you." "What!?" I exclaimed, "Don't be ridiculous." "No," said an excited TJ, "This could work. We just need to change our bet. You act like me and I'll act like you." "God, this has got disaster written all over it," I said. "No, it hasn't," said TJ, "We just swap dates. I'll have Nikki, you have Marie and I'll try to shag Nikki behaving like you and you try to shag Marie behaving like me. I guarantee you; Marie will be more likely to drop her knickers for the TJ charm than Nikki will for the Luke Warm effort. If you win and Marie ends up snogging you, then technically that means I win cos it's my style that you pulled with." "And what if you win with my style," I asked. "Well I doubt that will happen, but if it does it means you're the winner and you get the ten credits." I really wasn't sure about this but there was no more time left to talk. Marie appeared, saw TJ and looked very unimpressed. "Oh God," she said, "You're not TJ, are you?" TJ turned, looked at me and raised his eyebrows. "Err...No." I said, "That's me. I'm TJ. Nice to meet you." I held out my hand and shook Marie's hand. TJ gave me a discreet look and again raised his eyebrows. "Oh," I said, remembering I needed to act like TJ, "I mean... Nice rack b*tch." "I beg your pardon?" gasped Marie. "Sorry," I said, quickly apologising, "I just get nervous when I meet new people and my humour goes a bit dark." "Oh, I see," said Marie, "Well I am glad to be on date with you and not him. Do you know this man?" "He's part of our double date," I said, "But don't worry you don't have to talk to him. We can get to know each other." At that point Nikki appeared. She saw me and looked seriously unimpressed. "You"? she said, "What are you doing here?" "I'm part of the foursome that make up this double date," I said, "But don't worry, your date isn't with me." "That's right," said TJ, stepping forward and making some sort of stupid curtsey, "Your date is with me, Mr Luke Warm but my real name is Elizabeth." "A girl's name?" said Nikki. "I know," said TJ, "How pathetic is that, eh?" "Look, I don't want to sit at a table with him," Nikki snapped pointing at me. "Don't worry," said TJ, pretending to be me, "You don't have to talk to him and to be honest I am such a boring person, you'll have probably fallen asleep and drowned in the soup before we've even finished the first course." Nikki started laughing. "Oh, Luke, you're so funny," she said, playfully smacking TJ's arm. "Can't we just get separate tables?" asked Marie. "They're fully booked," I said, "It's a table for four or nothing." Feeling rather awkward and uncertain, the four of us entered the restaurant as TJ and I exchanged tense looks.

The four of us sat at our table. I sat opposite Marie, and TJ sitting next to me, sat opposite Nikki. It was a bit weird. It was like the four of us were getting to know each other but it was obvious we didn't want to, as was the dislike between Marie and TJ,  and Nikki and I. "OK," said TJ, pretending to me, "Well shall we have a starter. If we are, tell me now, cos I'll need to change my shirt. Garlic comes out through my pores as soon as I eat it, and trust me the smell I give off is not pretty." Marie and Nikki both looked unimpressed. "Luke," I said, looking at TJ, "You need to stop exaggerating. You smell fine." "Nah, I always smell like sh*t," said TJ, "But you TJ, you always smell great. That's probably why you have all the birds bouncing up and down your c*ck so much." TJ looked at Nikki and Marie and smiled. "You know," he said, "This guy is a legend. When he used to work in television, he'd shag all the female newsreaders on the BBC before they went live on air. It was like a good luck shag. He was under the news desk once, fingering Fiona Bruce when she was doing a news report on bombings in Iraq." "Is that actually true?" Marie asked. "What can I say?" I said, "I'm a sex mad moron. The thing is, I often make up all this sh*t because I'm such an insecure person deep down, and I worry that if people don't see me as a sex mad Alpha male, no one will be interested in me." "Oh, come on TJ," said TJ, "That's not true. You're not insecure at all. Why would you say that? You get lots of attention off the birds." "Yeah but I often wish I was like you, Luke," I said to TJ, "Honest, hardworking, a strong moral compass." "Yes, but I really am incredibly dull," said TJ, "Now you TJ, you have got a wild action-packed life." "Yes, but Luke," I said, "You have a job. I'm just an unemployed Bum." "What do you do Luke?" Nikki asked TJ (thinking he was me). "I'm a road sweeper," said TJ, "I'm too much of a loser to do anything else. I suppose all I'm destined for in life is to pick up sh*t." "That's funny," said Nikki, looking at me, "TJ is a road sweeper. That's how we...met. TJ, why would you say you're unemployed when you're not?" "He's embarrassed," said TJ, "This guy is awesome. He can do a lot more than sweeping up sh*t. Me, I'm just a humble loser that will probably spend the rest of my life just shuffling cr*p around the gutter, and shovelings sh*t." "Is that how you two know each other?" asked Marie, "You work together?" "We were together on the mainland," I said, "We came over here last year." "Oh, yes of course," said Marie, "The ACROBAT Seven. Luke, weren't you cryogenically frozen for five weeks?" I was about to answer but suddenly remembering TJ was pretending to be me I shut up. "Well you see, I get on everyone's nerves," said TJ, "I just open my mouth, and if I'm not putting my foot in it, I'm using it to constantly moan about something, so everyone got to together and decided to cryogenically freeze me for five weeks. I suppose I can understand it. I am an incredibly dull person." "No Luke," I firmly said to TJ as I raised my eyebrows, "You're not dull at all. How can you say that? I mean how the HELL can you say that? I... I mean, you... YOU are anything but dull. You lived on the mainland and had to fight for your life to stay alive. That's pretty interesting." "Yeah but loads of people have had to do that," said TJ, "No big deal. To be honest I don't know how I managed to stay alive this long. I mean I'm a total pussy. If it wasn't for this guy saving my life all of the time, I'd be dead." "Erm... I never saved your life," I snapped. "Ah, TJ, don't be modest," said TJ, "You're a proper action hero. Do you know this guy wrestled a shark and killed it?" "Is that true?" asked Marie. "Well, yeah," I said, "But the reality is that the shark probably died from my bad breath, or all the bullsh*t stories that I probably bored it to death with." Marie and Nikki both looked rather confused which upon reflection I can understand why. "Right...." said a bemused Marie, "Err... I'm going to quickly pop to the loo," said Marie with an awkward look on her face. "I'll come with you," said Nikki, who looked similarly bemused by the situation, "If the waiter comes just order me the soup." "Me too," said Marie. Once the ladies were out of sight, I turned my attention to TJ. "Knock it off," I snapped. "Me knock it off?" exclaimed TJ, "You knock it off. You're killing my style." "And you're killing mine," I snapped at TJ. "F*ck off," said TJ, "This is the first time Luke Warm has ever has style. I'm making you sound interesting." "No," I snapped, "You're cheating. You're making ME, Luke, look like a tw*t and trying to make you, TJ, look amazing. You're supposed to woo Nikki with my style and I'm supposed to woo Marie with yours." "Woo?" said TJ, "Have I gone back in time to a 1950's black and white film?" "In those leather trousers it's very possible," I said, "Just chat Nikki up the way I would chat her up, and I'll chat up Marie the way you would chat her up." "OK," said TJ.