The Resident

Chapter 17

"Ian honey....what's wrong? Are you ok? Did you just wake up? You look horrible! Talk to me! I've never seen you like this!" Bonnie begged for me to say SOMETHING. Anything.
But I couldn't. I couldn't open my mouth, because everytime I tried, the tears rushed up into my eyes.
She took my hands. My guilty hands. My hands with fingers that probably still smelled a little like Janel's vagina. I wanted her to let go of them. They were guilty hands. Hands that had been all over Janel's tits.....hands that jerked my dick, just barely missing Janel's face when I came....
Bonnie looked at me, and must have seen my eyes welling up. I was losing the fight with the tears now, the more guilty images that came flooding back to me. The images were so fucking wonderful, though! It had been WONDERFUL! The entire day. Every touch. Every kiss. Everything we did. It had never felt so fucking good. So inTENSE before, with anyone.
What the fuck is WRONG with me???

Bonnie took a long look at me, and pulled me into a hug.
I hugged her back. It felt good having a hug that didn't turn me on. That didn't give me a raging hard on. Just an innocent, normal, caring HUG.
It seriously felt good.
And I seriously felt like bloody HELL.
Of course, she hugged me in such a motherly way, I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I totally lost it. Right there on her shoulder. The tears came pouring out, and I started sobbing.
"Oh Ian.......Ian........whatever is the matter, honey? I wish you'd tell me. You're scaring me! Whatever it is, I'm sure it'll be ok." she rubbed my back and held me tight. "Ian Ian Ian.....it's ok.....let it out, honey. Let it allllll out."

I sobbed onto her shoulder, and cried like a fucking baby.
I looked up once, and saw Janel in the kitchen doorway, leaning against the doorframe, sitting on the floor, her face down into her legs, which her arms were hugging.
Great. I'm fucking her up. I promised never to hurt her, but I'm hurting her. She's come all this way, from practically a mute, severely messed up child, and she's fixed herself and made herself into a strong, smart, brave young woman. And I come along thinking I can give her the world, and I fuck her up.
That thought sent me sobbing harder.
Bonnie finally broke the hug and looked over at Janel.
"Janel honey, I'm gonna take Ian outside and talk to him, ok? And I'll be right in for you after. Ok? Will you be alright? Are YOU ok honey?" Bonnie seemed flustered.
Janel took her face out of her knees. "Yes. I'm ok. It's just Ian who's not ok."

Ouch.

Bonnie took my hand and led me out the door, down the staircase, and on the way out, she noticed an empty apartment, with the door open. She looked around, and said "in here" and drug me in behind her.
We went all the way in, and stood in the kitchen.
She put her hands on my shoulders and looked straight into my eyes, which were mostly facing the floor in shame.
"NOW. WHAT is wrong, Ian? I can't take it anymore! You gotta give me something here! You got me worried like crazy! Is Janel pregnant? Dying? Going crazy? Did you guys break up? Are YOU dying? Give me SOMETHING!"

"I'm sorry Bonnie. I was trying to hold it together, but everytime I tried to speak, I......" and the tears started again.
"We're ok. Janel and I. I promise. No one's dying. And she's not pregant. And we're not breaking up or anything. She's not going mental. Everything's fine. She's right, though. It's ME who isn't ok. She's as happy as a pig in mud. But I just.....have so much guilt! I'm soooo mad at myself.....I hate myself....." I faded out as a fresh wave of tears came.
Bonnie sighed. "Well, good. So, if everything's fine, then why do you hate yourself, honey?"

I sighed too. "I have to sit, ok? I'm physically and mentally exhausted. Do you mind?"
And I squatted down and sat on the floor, leaning against the kitchen cabinets.
Bonnie did the same. And she patiently waited for me to start. Now that we weren't dying or anything.

"Ok. I love Janel. I love her so fucking much. I've loved her for months and months. I might have loved her from the first day I met her. I fucking love the shit out of her. And before I go on, I'll let you off the hook from what you're probably thinking.
NO, I'm not breaking up with her. And NO I'm not having second thoughts about being with her, or anything like that. She's great, and we're great. It's just ME, who's being a fucking sissy, and I can't understand why."