Darkness Falls

Chapter sixteen

I opened my book to a fresh page and decided to read for a while since no one was bothering me. I needed the opportunity to think, and what better way to do that than by reading a book and losing myself in my thoughts? 

"Jake?" 

I snapped my book shut in annoyance and turned to glare at the person who disturbed me. 

Col took a step back. 

"What are you doing here?" I snapped. 

I had purposely chosen a place no one would think to look for me. The garden centre tucked away in a nice corner of town. I had more chance of being disturbed by Mamá than any of them. Not that I would mind seeing Mamá. 

He sighed and sat next to me, placing an arm around my shoulders making me tense before gradually relaxing. 

"It's alright, no-one's with me." He said, softly. "What's got you in such a touchy mood?" 

"I want to quit." I said. 

"Seriously?" 

"Seriously." 

"You know that means you have to kill him?" 

"Yup." 

"When will you kill him?" 

"Haven't decided." 

"It takes strength and courage – a lot of it – to kill your father. Just make sure you're prepared." 

"You did." I pointed out.

"I did. But only because there was no other option." 

"Why?" 

"He dragged me into this life with him. And he was a hazard to families I had promised I would protect, including my own." 

"Why wasn't prison an option for him?" 

He chuckled. "The minute police get involved, we're all screwed, whether you meant to get involved or not." 

"Why should I trust you more than the police?" 

"Because my job is to protect you." He said. "Their job is to protect the majority." 

"And how is the relationship you had with your dad different to mine?" 

"I didn't have anyone I loved as much as you do that I would fight him for." 

I gave him a look. 

"You may close your heart to everyone so no one sees inside, Jake. But if you know where to look, the clues are there." He shrugged. 

Damn, that was two people who knew about Kenny now. If I was going to protect her, I would have to be more careful. But maybe it was for the best that other people knew about her? No one hated me as much as he did. And the others could help me protect her. I couldn't afford to screw this up. Not with someone's life at stake.

"Do you think he knows?" I asked. 

He shook his head. "No, he's oblivious. And we'll keep it that way, alright?" 

"Good." I said.

"Just be careful, Jake." He said softly. "Love is like a tightrope, the only way to keep your balance is to plan each step with care. Any hasty moves will make you lose your place." 

"I know." I whispered. "But this dance is getting more and more complicated." 

He gave a sad smile. 

"We've all lost people, Jake. Loss is inevitable when it comes to the people we love. Particularly when their life is in the hands of someone like your papá. But what really matters is how far you'll go to protect them." 

"And how do you know that?" 

"When you reach the limit and stop loving them." He said. "Only you can decide when that is." 

"They say if you can see a person's dark side and still love them, that love is probably endless." He added with a chuckle. "But not everyone can shine a light in someone's hell. And not everyone has the strength to stand in the dark with them." 

I nodded, thinking about his complicated words. See, this was why I didn't love anyone. The moment I did, things got a whole lot more complicated. 

~*~ 

When I got home, I took a quick shower before going downstairs to get something to eat. After making a sandwich and a cup of coffee, I sat at the table and ate mechanically, my mind drifting again. 

Why was I so intent on killing him? 

No matter when I killed him. No matter how many lives I stole. No matter how many lives I saved. None of that was going to bring him back. None of them was going to make this world a safer place. Even if I killed him, sooner or later, another young hotshot would come along filled with arrogance and a chip on his shoulder and take his place. 

No matter how many lives I took, someone was always going to be there to take over. 

So why was I bothering? Was I really so arrogant that I thought I could defeat all the evil in this world by myself? Did I really think I could make a damned difference in the world? Why wasn't I focused on something doable? Why didn't I just think about saving the people I cared about? Why did I have to try to protect everyone from their power game? 

Because you've always had a big heart, Santiago. I could hear Mamá's voice in my mind. You've always had a strong sense of justice and a need to protect those who need you.

But damn it, I didn't think I could protect everyone in my life. There would be casualties. And I wasn't ready for that. I couldn't lose anyone else, I couldn't wait for the next bullet to steal away someone I loved.

I needed to protect them. Even if I had to die to do so.

~*~

Someone was watching me. Reluctantly, I raised my eyes from my book to meet Mamá's.

"Time for bed, niño." She told me softly, ruffling my hair. "It's long after midnight."

I blinked back into reality and looked at the clock next to me. It was half-three in the morning. What the hell happened?

Obediently, I snapped my book shut and went upstairs to bed, but as I switched off the light, my mind drifted back to Kennedy and how much I wanted to save her from my life. She was a reckless girl, and something told me that if she wanted something, she would go through hell to get it.

That's why I wasn't so sure I could keep her safe if she decided to get mixed up with me. And damn it, I didn't know how I could persuade her to leave me alone.

Because whether she stayed with me or left, she would get hurt either way. And I couldn't hurt another person.

My life had always been about hurting people and taking away their happiness. For once, just once, I wanted to be the reason behind someone's happiness rather than the reason it was taken away.

If I knew what heartbreak felt like, why did I do such unspeakable things to cause heartbreak to others?

Why didn't I stand up for myself every once in a while?