How Dare You [ReidxReader]

(11) Relapse

"Spencer!" You repeatedly knock on his door. You saw it in his eyes when you got off the jet from Huston. The self-doubt. The pain. He hates himself because he made you catch bullets for him. You tried to talk to him on the way back to Quantico, but you could only say so much with the rest of the team around.

"Spencer, I know you're home." You knock again.

"Please, leave." His quiet voice comes from directly behind the door.

"Let me in." You try to persuade him.

"Leave." Spencer's voice is less pleading now. Almost angry.

"No. Open the door or I will fucking kick it down."

It's silent for almost a minutes after that. Then you hear the lock of the door klick.

Spencer looks disheveled, having a half stern, half sad look on his face. When he doesn't move and just stares at you, you squeeze by him and enter his apartment. It looks better than he made it sound. It's dark but full of books. Like a secret library in a basement of an old building.

When you turn around to look at him, he sighs and closes the door. You observe him quietly. He doesn't show any signs of being intoxicated. You nevertheless ask: "Did you take anything?"

Spencer's lips tighten, but he tells you: "No."

"Are you planning to do so?"

"Why would I do that?" He crosses his arms in front of his chest.

Your heart starts to ache. You have to blink away tears: "I saw it in your eyes."

That seems to take him off guard and his mouth falls open: "You saw it in my eyes?" His voice is softer now.

You start to tear up when you tell him with a trembling voice: "Yes. Talk to me."

Spencer lets down his arms and steps closer: "Please don't cry."

You rub over your face to dry your eyes: "I'm trying."

"You want to sit down?" He points at a small sofa between the chaos of books.

"Okay." You slowly walk over.

When he keeps standing in the same spot, you ask: "Sit with me?"

Hesitantly, he walks over. It's cramped so you cannot avoid your legs touching. You look into his eyes until he starts to talk.

"You're right. I thought about using again. I felt...I feel overwhelmed."

You furrow your eyebrows: "By what?"

Spencer looks at his hands, fidgeting with the fabric of his pants.

"You don't have to tell me." You assure him. "Let's just talk about how you feel and what we can do to change that."

His head shoots up: "We?"

You give him a smile: "Why do you think I'm here?"

Now he looks like he is about to cry.

"Okay." Spencer nods.

- - - - - - - - - -

"When you fell into my arms," he tells you, "for a split second I thought you died. I was so convinced that even when you were fine, I went into shock. I couldn't see properly and my heart... I- I didn't know what to do."

The ache in your chest intensifies: "Spencer, you had a panic attack."

"Oh." For some reason, he seems surprised.

"I'm sure you read almost everything there is about that kind of stuff. Why didn't you recognize the symptoms on yourself?"

Spencer stays silent for a moment and just looks at you.

"Denial." He eventually admits. "I never saw anyone else on the team react like that...and I-"

"Felt ashamed?" You finish his sentence.

Again, he stays silent. This time longer than before.

You grab his hand to encourage him to talk. Last time you did it, as wells as now, you forget that he doesn't like that. When you remember, you go to take your hand away. But Spencer stops you.

"You." He mumbles.

Your eyes dart over his face: "What?"

He takes a deep breath and looks at you: "I feel overwhelmed by you."

You lean back. That's not what you intended. Shit. Maybe you went too far. Fuck.

"I'm sorry." You immediately start to apologize. "Sorry." You get up and this time Spencer lets go of your hand.

"Sorry, I was in no position to push you like that. Sorry. I didn't mean to force you to talk to me."

Spencer just stares at you. Is that confusion on his face?

"I'm really sorry, Spencer. Please, call an emergency number and talk to someone qualified."

Before he can say anything, you're out the door.

- - - - - - - - - -

You hold it together until you're home. Then you sink to the floor and start to sob. What were you thinking? He clearly didn't want you to intervene like that. Reid probably wanted to talk to a professional or someone who knows him better. Like JJ...

Trembling, you get up. You take your phone out, secretly hoping for a message by Spencer. Stupid.

The screen tells you that it's Tuesday. Everyone has tomorrow off because you were on a case during the weekend. You turn off your phone and throw it away, somewhere in the direction of the sofa.

You try to calm down, but nothing works. Not knowing what else to do, you take a sleeping pill. Laying down on your bed, you wait for the void to suck you in.