oneshots

worthless

NOTE: Loceit, Logan angst, TWs for food, overworking, repression, self-hate
DESC: Janus helps his boyfriend when Logan overworks himself.

You don't deserve emotions.

Logan was like most other college students. Overworked, tired, and bored. He always made sure he had work to do. He figured if he failed something big at some point, he'd have extra credit to fall back on.

And he was tired.

He was crying at the moment. He'd just finished yet another assignment and had three more he had to finish today. He'd asked for them. This was his fault, there was no one to blame but himself he knew he had no reason to cry; he'd asked for this. He didn't deserve to cry. He'd discovered he was unable to avoid the fact that he had emotions, but he didn't deserve them.

Or maybe he did. Maybe it was selfish to wish to never feel because he'd never have to cry. To spend every day exhausted and miserable. Yet, maybe it was fair because he knew he didn't deserve happiness. Maybe it was just the sadness he deserved.

His boyfriend and friends had tried to convince him to stop torturing himself. It wasn't torture, it was insurance. In case he fucked up like he always does at some point. It was worth a good grade.

He wanted this.

He was going to come out of this smart. He'd come out of every step of his education smarter. He needed to. If he wasn't intelligent, gifted, praised, who was he?

Nothing.

Should it have been music? Was it intelligent enough?

He asked himself every day if he made the right choice. Music was an art, more in Roman's vein of interests. Yet, he'd fallen in love with classical music. Was there something wrong with him? Should he be pursuing a science? Trying to discover more about Earth's wonders?

He picked up his cello.

It was selfish, but he needed to distract himself. He was too lazy to finish his work, despite only having four hours to do so. After he did finish them, he'd probably be up until at least 3AM working on everything due tomorrow. He wanted a break.

It doesn't matter what you want. It matters what needs to get done. You have to finish, or you're worthless.

He sighed and put his cello back. That little voice was right, although he was pretty sure he was already worthless. He said he'd finish them at least an hour before the deadline, but look what happened. He'd need at least an hour for the first assignment, two or possibly longer for the second, and an hour or so for the third.

And it had to be perfect.

It was doable. He could get everything right and perfect, he could make all of his work his best work in four hours if he was good enough. It was never perfect, but it could be. It should be. He just wasn't trying hard enough.

Coffee. He needed coffee.

He would've stretched if he thought about his well-being anymore. He left his dorm for a moment to make some coffee in the communal machine and have a bowl of yogurt, which was probably his third bowl today and the only thing he ate at this point.

"Logan, love. You look tired."

"I'm fine, Janus. I can't talk long, I have to get on this assignment."

"How many assignments have you done today?"

He wrapped his arms around Logan's torso from behind, kissing his cheek in the process. Logan wriggled out of his grip, spooning the rest of the yogurt in his mouth.