Sapphire's Review Store 4.0

Review by Faye: A Tale Made of Poems

Another recurring issue is that you tended to mix up the words "it's" and "is".

I'm sorry that this section seems a bit heavy handed. I am aware that English is not your first language and I must say you have written incredibly well for this being the case. The majority of your story was easy to follow and your punctuation was exceptional. The issues I raised are mostly nit-picks from a British person.

Writing Style (4/5)

Your writing style is unique and incredibly interesting to read. I especially liked how you wrote the dialogue, making it look like how the dialogue is written in Doki Doki Literature Club. This gave your story a great aesthetic that fit the themes really well. Very clever. I also thought putting "????" in the place of a name, where the narrator hadn't yet found out a character's name was a great touch.

I did notice a small section where you didn't quite follow this structure choice fully; when introducing Monika you wrote her name before she says it. I think it would work better if you made her name "????" when she's introducing herself, then after that line of dialogue you add in the name. This would keep the game aesthetic within how you write dialogue more consistent in this section.

I really enjoyed how you structured each chapter. You paced the prose by taking new lines to emphasise certain sentences, making the narrator of choppy thoughts and asides to the reader. What a fun way to portray these zany individuals. You also put in gaps in the writing to show passing of time, another way that you stayed true to the game aesthetic.

You are good at setting up the mood within the story. Just like the game Doki Doki Literature Club you are setting the scene establishing an innocent look on the surface. It'll be really interesting to see how your story progresses, knowing how that game progresses. You are also really good at writing clear and straightforward descriptions of characters and settings. You kept these parts of your story consistent, using the same voice and system of writing throughout. I truly appreciated that. I had no trouble imagining the scenes and I believe that a reader (even if they haven't experienced the games) would be able to picture the settings and characters with no trouble.

Quick additional thoughts: I liked the scene where you wrote Sam's actions alongside the ticking of his bedroom clock. This was put across really well. Also writing "Saved by the girl" instead of "Saved by the bell" was a good use of word play.

Characterisation (5/5)

I have experienced both of these games, therefore I had inside scoop of who all these characters were. You put them all across incredibly well. I had no trouble believing in your writing. You clearly did your research.

Sans and Papyrus (aka Sam and Irus) were brilliantly written. I love these characters and I loved them in your story! You brought their humour and heart within these very different situations perfectly. Every decision they made was exactly what I'd expect them to do.

You also captured the various characters from DDLC really well. Each one has very specific character traits and you put great care into including every single one in the right place. Not two characters overlapped and no one character was overlooked. Natsuki was as annoying as ever! Yuri's shyness was well captured. I also like that you described her personal gestures, like when she plays with her hair when embarrassed. Sayori was sweet and upbeat and Monika was also perfectly portrayed as the group leader. It will be interesting to see how you develop Monika's character within the story. Seeing Sam and Irus' reactions to that will be priceless!

A really cool idea that you had was including the player character later in the story. I found that so interesting! This character came across so different to the rest of the characters – like they are just saying rehearsed lines – staying true to the game. This worked incredibly well.

Plot (4/5)

The plot of this story included really interesting ideas. I liked that Sans was aware that he's in a videogame. This reminded me a little bit of "Wreck it Ralph".

Sans/Sam's new backstory downloading straight into his mind after waking up in the "Doki Doki Literature Club" game world was cool. This worked really well to distinguish the two separate worlds. Throughout the story so far you include really good scenes that bring together both the world in Undertale and DDLC – the scene with the bullies did this satisfactorily.

You did a really good job including references of both the games. For instance, Irus offering Natsuki spaghetti when she's wanting a snack was a scene that combined both games really well.

Having Sans and Papyrus enter the DDLC world as if they are other characters (Sam and Irus) in the game's narrative rather than a player was an interesting route to take for the story's situation. This gave you the chance to be more creative and think deeper within the various characters. Letting the reader see how Natsuki and Yuri behave out with the club and Sam and Irus finding out about the club in their own unique way.

Repeating situations in the storyline – to suggest a glitch in the game was expressed clearly and cleverly.

"It was like they were all clones, slightly different from each other." – I loved this observation about manga style art. The characters always look very similar just with slight differences (i.e. hair colour/style and eye colour). This is definitely something Sans from Undertale would pick up on.

I love that the player joins the storyline and how you tell the games storyline but from another character's perspective, sharing Sam and Irus' thoughts and reactions as a second party taking in the player's experience within the game. You clearly thought it through nicely. I would suggest adding more reactions in here and there, maybe get them to interrupt the flow at times with their wacky other worldly point of view. Just to break up the scene a bit. So that you don't run the risk of just writing out the game's dialogue word for word. You managed to do this well in Chapter Eight.

Overall (23/30)

A story combining two games that I happen to know quite well. You are a writer that does great research to bring these well known characters to life. You never fall short of ideas and I found the premise of your story interesting and fun.

You have a few grammatical errors to iron out. They can easily be fixed with an edit. You could always ask for help with that, there are plenty of editors who are willing to help on wattpad.

Thank you so much for asking me to review your very interesting fanfiction. I hope you found my feedback helpful.