𝗖𝗥𝗔𝗭𝗬 𝗢𝗩𝗘𝗥 𝗬𝗢𝗨 ━━━ 박종성

41. guilt

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Jay's POV

Life completely changed in these few days. More like it stopped. All the excitement that once used to lighten our lives were gone. And knowing that it all happened because of me, broke me. Jugyeong had been roaming around me for a while now and it was starting to get annoying. No I don't have any romantic feelings for her. But I couldn't let her suffer, she had no one to take care of her. Me trying to be the generous one stepped in to just ruin everything.

I wouldn't say that everyone ignored me but a feeling of anger and sadness were visible whenever they looked at me. Atleast that's what I felt. No matter how much they tried hiding it, it still wasn't invisible for me. Their stares attacked me, blamed me that everything went wrong because of me. I didn't know anything. I didn't know what the hell was happening in my life right now. But the thing that I wanna be sure of right now, and want everyone to be sure of, was that I don't want any romantic relationship with Jugyeong.

I can't forget Jiwoo.

"Jugyeong just to clear any confusion, I'm just your friend." I straightforward told her almost in a rude way to be honest because I felt her eyes slightly become wide in shock. So she had hopes from me. I avoided her stare at the dining table while the others tried not to react at my sudden announcement. Looking back at everything, it was all my fault. Jugyeong didn't force me to do anything still I left Jiwoo. Because I was scared. I was scared something which wouldn't be too good if occurred, would occur and so I chose her. Over Jiwoo. Even though I couldn't ever think of doing that. I still did it.

"Ok..." Guilt splashed itself at my face as I heard Jugyeong's sad voice say out. Was it too bad to say the truth sometimes? Shrugging it off I walked away without eating my dinner. "Hyung your dinner-" I shook my head from behind ignoring Niki's concern for my health. But I really didn't care at this point. "I need to move on." Sighing heavily I laid down on my bed closing my eyes and the first thing that came into my imagination were her small hands feeding me. No, please don't come in my thoughts. I pleaded to myself to not think about her but it wasn't easy. I love Jiwoo and I am also the person who broke her heart.

"Indeed a jerk." Whispering to myself I drifted off to sleep.

-

School was today. The only place where I can possibly meet Jiwoo. I was indeed in pain, she left the dorm because of me and that added more to my broken heart. I didn't do all these to hurt myself. But if m friends are okay then so be it. I'll endure it. But what worried me most was that Jiwoo was staying at her parents' house all alone, probably having burnt ramen. I chuckled sadly remembering our memories. Good memories. When I caught her having burnt food even though I told her to stop having them. And when she finally stopped after I offered to make her midnight snacks.

With a depressing smile I looked down wearing my watch. "Jay.." I heard Sunghoon from behind, startling me. I straightened my face looking at him. "You need something?" Asking him, I focused on fixing my white shirt. "Are you hiding anything?" Catching me off guard, I tried to show no emotions on my face since obviously he's smart and knows me well. "No." Let me fight in this battle on my own. My friends don't need to get involved. After all it's for the best. Not like there was any help I could get from any of them. Heeseung hyung stayed by my side and I'm grateful but the sufferings, I had to endure them on my own.

Entering the school campus my eyes roamed around everywhere but couldn't see any sign of the girl in my mind. Hurrying to the classroom with the hope that I might get a glimpse of Jiwoo I stopped on my path kinda getting annoyed by Jugyeong following me around. But it wasn't her fault. We had the same classes. Instead of entering the classroom my eyes met a pair a of other eyes that I had been dreading to see. Jiwoo. My heart felt at ease thinking she didn't change her school because of me.

But she looked miserable. Seeming to be hesitant to walk by us and to the classroom, Jiwoo quickly increased her pace almost giving me a cold shoulder and then walked away. Ouch. I felt something pinch me as she did it and finally came back to reality. She probably hates me right now. After all that's what I deserve after what I did. But still she was in the same class then why did she not enter?

-

"She changed her classes." Jake announced in the break. Something I wasn't shocked about. Who wouldn't and honestly it was for the best maybe? She wouldn't have to meet me or Jugyeong. It was pretty obvious she was trying to ignore us.

I went to the library after the classes ended. Not because I wanted to study but because I wanted to be alone. Staying in a dorm with 6 boys can be pretty claustrophobic sometimes. I needed time and space. Taking out a book which seemed interesting, I sat at the nearest table opening the book and going through the pages. 'Blue and grey' the name of the book which seemingly reminded me of my current state.

Like I had expected the book was relatable. Probably because it was of someone going through the same situation I was. He lost someone he loved to save someone else. Then what was the need of doing all these when I wouldn't be happy anyways? No answer. I continued reading till my eyes got exhausted. Closing the book, a memory ran up to my mind.

"I'm exhausted Jay.."

I smiled a bit thinking about the memory I shared with my now ex girlfriend. I still remember how exhausted she'd feel after waiting for hours for me to finish my book. Adorable. But I lost her. My smile vanished as the thought that she never will be mine again made its way in my brain. Maybe I was overthinking. Maybe my brain was lying to me about all these. But deep inside I knew it wasn't. And finally I accepted the fact that being without her was slowly killing me.

"I miss you Jiwoo

And I am sorry for hurting you"

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We are already in chapter 41 😭😭😭