January 4th, 2021
These posts have become me updating on my life since I've never been able to keep up with a diary or journal.
The last time I posted, I talked about something that had been torturing me for years. Something that I had let hurt me for years. Finally, being open about it allowed me to accept what happened to me. I always had too much pride, and I just didn't want to accept that an event like that would make me weak. It is completely normal to not bounce back after that sort of situation, but I have never thought highly of myself to begin with.
Opening up about it in this form also allowed me to discuss it with those who I've kept close.
However, this became repetitive, and it wasn't just something I could push to the back of my mind anymore.
As I typed out my daily struggles in the last post, I began to relive them.
I once again wasn't sleeping, wasn't eating, wasn't talking. I was told that I'd scream at night whenever I did sleep. I once again didn't feel safe anywhere with anyone. I once again couldn't sleep without the lights off or without music.
I spiraled and got stuck in this phase of self-loathing.
I loathed that finally accepting what happened five years ago didn't relieve me in any way. That I am still weak, if not weaker. I didn't allow myself to heal during those five years or even after posting that.
I did what I had always done.
From June to September I spent weeks drinking all day just so I couldn't feel. I gave up on school. I gave up on work. I gave up on friends. I gave up on family. I gave up on me.
I left behind everything that should've mattered to me the most.
I allowed negative influences to enter my life again and ignored the people who genuinely wanted to help me. Because I didn't want help. I wanted to never feel again. Help meant I'd have to feel and heal. I just wanted to cut off my emotions and live that way till I die.
I wasn't depressed about the sexual assault. I was depressed about how I dealt with it. But no matter how I dealt with it, I still suffered with insomnia. I feared I'd be asleep during an assault again.
I was close to giving up what matters to me the most, what I should be saving for my future life partner, my virginity. I was so close to actually hating myself for the rest of my life.
Around the end of August I began talking to a man who completely turned my life around. I had only ever talked to boys until I met him. I didn't know what it meant to love someone until him. I won't give him all the credit, though, because I did manage to heal on my own...somewhat.
The day before we began talking I finally prayed to God. I prayed because I was planning on giving myself up to someone within two weeks. I asked God to hurry up and show me my husband. The next day I initiated a conversation with him. I knew he was a great guy months ahead but of course I didn't think I deserve someone so amazing. He is beyond talented in just about everything I could think of. He is everything I have ever wanted in a partner. We have actual fun together no matter what it is, and we enjoy each other's presence. I am so in love with this man and every day it only increases. I heard that happens to couples, but I never would have thought it would be possible for someone like me. I never thought much of myself, but he has continuously shown me what I deserve no matter what I say to him. Sure we fight, but we talk through it before the end of the day. I am so grateful to God for answering my prayer with the most beautiful gift I could ever receive in my life. After that I prayed for signs to be sure that he is the one. Sure enough, I received a sign every day.
Two weeks passed, and we went on our first date. The day I was going to give myself up to someone else.
For those two weeks we had been calling nonstop and had many sleepless nights. Both of us had never sacrificed time like that for anyone.
I have opened up to him since day one. I made him aware of all my baggage. I wanted it to be clear that I have many skeletons in my closet, that I'm a hassle to take care of. He taught me to love myself instead of seeing myself as a burden to others. He taught me to depend on others instead of always suffering on my own.
I told him about my sleep pattern, of how I have struggled to sleep for years. We began calling while sleeping, so I could feel safe and allow myself to rest instead of staying on guard. After a few weeks I was able to sleep without the lights on and without music.
I told him that I feel disgusting when I eat and this man has taken me to amazing food places for months. I have been eating so much, and I gained some weight, but it's something I don't feel guilty about anymore. He makes sure I'm always fed and sacrifices to take care of me.
I have never felt more loved or cared for in my life. I know I'm a pain to be around, but no one else could handle it the way he has. He has done everything right and has helped me mature in areas that I was lacking.
I have helped him in some areas too, and it has been clear to us that we are meant for each other. He has even helped me return to religion and my hobbies. I once again enjoy things. I had been living my life for years without feeling joy. I felt empty until he brought life back to me. This is all from God, and I'm forever grateful. I almost gave up everything but ended up receiving my world.
I am so excited for my future with my love and our children. I'm not scared to raise kids anymore because I know that together we can do things right. I'm not scared of anything anymore because I know that if I have him with me then I can overcome anything.
It's okay that I couldn't overcome my problems on my own. Some people can. Some can't. And that's okay.
I needed help from God. I couldn't keep imagining a life full of depression from dealing with things alone the way I have.
This post is me being real about how I chose to cope with my problems. It's also for me to show how grateful I am for my newly meaningful life. I feel like I have ambitions and a purpose again. I have things and people I want to live for again. Most importantly, I am now able to love myself enough to want to live for myself again.
I am posting this at midnight on his birthday because he has never received these words from me and I have so much love to pour out. I can't love anyone the way I love him.
In my last post I said it'd probably take me another five years to heal, but he has helped me heal completely within five months.
Praise God!!
I am beginning to change in the right direction and hopefully together we can inspire others the way we were inspired.
I love you. I love you so much my darling. No one could ever take your place. You and I are meant for each other. My life is nothing without you in it. You have helped me in more ways than you could ever imagine. I would have been lost forever if it weren't for you. These posts can finally be happy updates because I'm finally happy.
I'm finally happy.
