final round - lrh

thirty.

*tw* brief mentions of abuse and suicide

I can't sleep.

But that's probably because I'm emotionally drained from sitting in a ball on my bed and crying for hours on end. I cried until my throat hurt and my eyes had literally no tears left. Due to this, I never wanted Ashton or Declan by my side more than anything.

I don't even know why I cried as long as I did but everything inside of me begged to feel something and let it all out at once.

It's as if I'm absolutely exhausted by everything that's happened here on these campgrounds and today only managed to make everything worse. I'm overwhelmed by everything going on in my life and coming to terms with the truth today hurt like absolute hell.

Hearing that Declan losing his arm could have been easily avoided makes me sick to my stomach. He has to continue on with his life with no arm ever again and will have to be reminded of such a traumatic event every time he looks down.

Lieutenant Hemmings should've had his back.

I saw the guilt in his eyes and I heard it in his voice but nothing could change how I felt in that moment. Especially due to the pain he's put me through and the torture he's thrown my way, it only makes me that much angrier. I should've never put up with any of it and I'm pissed that I let him treat me in such a way.

But of course, he didn't know. He had no idea Declan and I are siblings and that obviously is evident. He has that above me in the way that I can't truly be mad at him for treating me poorly when he would've never done so if he knew who my brother was.

I was the one that kept that from him.

I can't help but think about Ashton who also never bothered to tell me. He knew Lieutenant Hemmings was the cause of Declan's most traumatic life experience and knew I was struggling to get along with him yet kept his mouth shut. He should've told me because I would've been more upfront about who I was from the beginning. Instead, I remained oblivious as I let Lieutenant Hemmings treat me terribly for weeks on end because I figured I deserved it for not being good enough for him.

Yet, the reality is, Lieutenant Hemmings is the reason I'm here so I will never let another day go by where he convinces me I'm not good enough to be here. He has absolutely no right to make my life any more miserable here when I shouldn't even be here in the first place.

Dragging my hands through my hair, I lay back on my bed and squeeze my eyes shut.

God, I don't even know how to feel right now. I'm sad and angry and hurt and can't juggle these feelings properly. If there's one thing I know, it's that I want nothing else in the world but my brother right beside me right now.

I want to hug him and see how he's feeling. I want to know how he's coping with his traumatic past. I want to be there for him and help him heal the way that he deserves to heal. After all, I can't begin to imagine what he was feeling in that moment.

He must've been absolutely terrified. How do you get up and continue after you lose your arm in combat?

Not only that, but he was ready to go back out there. He was ready to put himself in danger once more in order to save me. He wanted to sacrifice every bit of willpower he had left in order to keep those he loves alive.

And that's what I admire most about him.

I feel myself choking up once more as I reminisce on the day that fell apart so quickly.

Today was going so great; absolutely great. I finally climbed the pole and accomplished something I was never able to. I felt like things would finally start going well here but of course, that's asking for too much as that was all stripped away from me. Now I'm in here with swollen eyes and an inability to fall asleep.