Scale - Tsukishima Kei

Chapter 19

Yuna Mei

"She never wanted to take her shirt off while...um. While we had...yeah." Tsukishima breathes out. "Sorry, this is kind of awkward to say. But it's important to the story."

"Uh, okay." My mom responds, and I mentally feel embarrassed.

"We got into an argument before we did it, because she was taking those pills and I told her to stop. Afterwards we made up, and she told me that she was comfortable enough to take her shirt off this time. When we were done, she...um. She began to tell me that she loves me-" Tsukishima's words get caught in his throat.

My chest begins to close in on itself, having to relive that awful moment as he tells my mother what happened.

"I began to panic. I didn't want her to say that. I-I know it's pathetic, but I've just never gotten close to someone like this. I don't show my emotions well...so when she started saying those words I immediately started to think of what would make her stop. So I...I called her easy. I knew it would hurt her, but I did it anyways." I hear him sniffle and I want nothing more than to hold him. Reach out to him, look at him- anything. But I can't. My body won't let me. "I already knew she was insecure about that. And I picked the day where she was the most vulnerable to say those awful things. I-I regret it. I hate myself for it. Before I even said it I wanted to take it back. I'll never forget the way she last looked at me...like I'm a monster. She looked at me the way she looked at the girls who've hurt her before. I hate that. I hate me. She got dressed and ran out after that. I don't think she was in the right state of mind. I should have grabbed her, I should have done something. But before she left the house I didn't want to touch her because I know little things trigger her panic attacks. She ran out the house and I wasn't even dressed. I quickly put anything on before running after her but...um. Yeah. I wasn't fast enough. I'm sorry Emica-San."

For the second time since I've been in this hospital, I hear Tsukishima sob.

The first time I heard him, when he spilled his feelings out to me and told me he loved me- unknowing of the fact that I can hear him- I decided to forgive him.

Maybe I'm stupid, but I don't blame him at all. I wish I could tell him that.

My heart hurts hearing him blame himself all over again.

I do admit though...in however long I've been stuck in this coma, a couple of times I had decided that I hated him. Even though I forgave him almost instantly, I took it back and decided that it's his fault.

But as time went by, and I heard my parents arguing whether or not he can come in, I realized that there's no point in holding a grudge. It's not his fault, it's mine.

All I can think about is his words playing over and over again in my head.

He loves me. He really loves me.

But...we can't be together.

It's quiet for a while, only the sound of the two crying beside my bed. I will myself to reach out to them, but again I fail.

"Emica-San, I really love your daughter. I-I regret not letting her tell me. I wish I can tell her. I'm so sorry I did this. I would do anything for her to wake up so I can let her know. I'm so sorry." Tsukishima's voice is more stable now, though you can tell he's holding back tears. "I will do anything for your family in repayment. I-If you and your husband don't ever want me to come around again...I'll do it. I'm sorry for causing so much pain. I never wanted to be like the people who've hurt her before."

"Tsukishima stop it." My mother speaks softly. "Before you told your story today...I forgave you. I hated you in the beginning. But you're just a kid, and it's hard to keep up a grudge. You didn't hit her, you didn't harm her physically. Mei...she's been through way more than a girl her age should have gone through in their entire lifetime. I feel like I've failed as a parent. I could never protect her. She was never happy- not until you started being kind to her. When she was little she used to run around the house humming. When the bullying started, she stopped. For years the house has been silent. Just shortly after you started coming over, I heard her humming while eating fruit in the kitchen. You should have seen me, I was a mess afterwards." She chuckles, sniffling after.

"I don't know how she'll react once she wakes up, but whatever she decides on regarding your guys's relationship, I'll support it. I'm not going to tell you to leave and never come back. I'm not her father. I just want her to be happy. She deserves to be happy."

Another silence falls upon the two, and I urge them to keep talking. I hate when it's silent.

"Do you...do you really think I can still make her happy after this? Don't you think she'll hate me?" I hear Tsukishima whisper.

I don't hate you! I promise, I don't hate you.

"We won't know until she wakes up." My mother says, and the sound of a chair moving against the floor sounds throughout the room. "I need to check on her father. He's probably out getting drunk again. Can you...can I trust you to take care of her?"

"Of course. Yes. I won't let anything happen this time." Tsukishima speaks quickly.

"Thank you." I hear before I feel my mother kiss my forehead. "I love you sweetie. Wake up soon, okay? We all miss you." She whispers into my ear, and a moment later I hear the door close.

"Hi Mei." Tsukishima clears his throat. "I'm going to call you Mei now, is that fine?"

"...who am I kidding? You can't even hear me." He groans. "I miss you though. I've come every single day since you've been in here, but I've spent all those hours in the waiting room due to your father. "

"You look...really different. Why did you take those pills? They might have horrible long term effects. I told you, you were perfect the way you were. But...but you look good. You're as beautiful as always. I'm really glad that your injuries have mostly healed up too."

I need to touch him. I need to feel him, let him know that everything is okay. I try again to reach out to him, putting everything I have into the movement.

I think...I think I'm doing it.

"Oh, I think I'm going crazy. I swear I just seen your pinky move." He mumbles. I groan, feeling drained.

Alright then, let's just move my fingers. I focus again on trying to move, and I hear a gasp from him.

"Mei? Can you hear me?" He asks quickly.

So I can tap my fingers.

I tap my pinky twice against the bed, and he quickly takes my hand in his.

"Umm, shit. Um okay. Tap twice for yes, once for no. Can you hear me?" He holds my hand in his palm, and I tap twice "S-Shit! Yes! Oh my god. Wait- okay. I need to test if this really works. Twice for yes, once for no. Are you a 35 year old man?"

What kind of question is that? If I could, I'd totally laugh right now. I tap once and he drops my hand, the sound of the chair dragging against the floor sounds once again.

"Oh my god- you can hear me. You're alive! Oh my god..." His voiced comes out muffled. "Oh! I love you! Do you hear me? I love you so much Mei. I'm so sorry. I love you! I love you!" He speaks frantically, taking my hand once again.

"D-Do you...do you still love me?" He asks quietly.

Tsukishima, you idiot. Of course I love you. How can I not? But we can't be together anymore once I wake up...I can't.

Tap tap.

After that, he clutches my hand and I hear him begin to sob quietly again.

Please don't cry...I'm not worth it. Please...