Can You Keep A Secret (Denis Stoff)

24

As she'd promised, the following evening Ryan arrived. Because she was definitely not a fan of the music that I'd be performing at the concert, she made this unquestionably clear, I didn't really get to see her until after the show. Usually, this is when the drinking and sex had a tenancy to begin. 

But I wanted a brief stint of sobriety for her sake. So we were sitting in some field, looking at the night sky. 

Ryan sighed. "Wonder what it's like to be an astronaut."

"I don't know. Why the sudden interest?" I looked at her, while she continued to look at the stars. 

"Sometimes I wish that I could float with the angels." 

I tried to hide my shock, for hypocrisy has come to be my most recent nemesis. "You want to die?" I whispered the words, for they were poison for the both of us. 

"Doesn't everyone consider it at one point or another?" She finally looked at me. 

"I suppose that that's true," I admitted, feeling my voice grow shaky. Not now; I can't cry now!

"Are you okay?" She tilted her head.

"How could you say that you want to die?" I finally whined, blinking a single tear out of my eye. "I don't want you to die." I rubbed my eyes in a desperate attempt to keep them dry. 

She took my hands away from my eyes and smiled sympathetically. "It's okay, you know. I won't judge you." When I didn't respond at all, she added, "Even the strongest of dams have to be rebuilt every once in a while. And do you know what happens before that? They break."

I blinked as I let yet another tear escape from my eyes. And then they were falling and I couldn't stop them. "You're the only thing that's keeping me alive," I whispered to her. 

Her mouth fell open for a moment. Instead of waiting for a response, I kissed her on the lips. And she gripped the back of my hair and held me there for a moment, kissing me back. And then she pulled me away. "I know that I told you that it'll help, but it's still only a temporary fix. Like drugs and alcohol and hurting yourself. It won't make it better in the morning."

"Suicide is a permanent fix," I whispered to her. 

She shook her head. "No, it's not. It's the start of even more problems." She put her hands on my shoulders. "And don't you ever let that crazy brain of yours try to tell you otherwise."

I leaned into her, holding her close to me. "You're too good to be real." I was afraid that I'd break her though. Has she lost more weight? True promise, first thing tomorrow, I'm making her eat something. For now though, it just doesn't seem relevant. I don't want her to leave me, and forcing her to eat would make her leave me. 

I could feel the beating of her heart through the fabric of her shirt when I put my head close to her. 

Later that same evening, I invited her to stay with us for the night, mostly because she hadn't already checked into a hotel already, and last minute stuff like that is never really a good idea. She deserves better than a shitty room with a shitty AC unit and a shitty shower. So instead she's going to sleep in my already super cramped bunk with me. I'll clear it out for her.

James had gone to bed early, apparently he's been sleeping very little lately. Cameron was in the back lounge, talking to someone on the phone. Sam was drinking in the front. And Ben was doing the same as Sam. 

I spread my arms in presentation for Ryan. "Home sweet home." I gave her a half-hearted grin. 

"Do you guys know any good rock bands that I should listen to?" Ryan asked, ignoring me. 

"Yeah!" Ben answered. "Asking Alexandria, obviously."

"Why the sudden interest?" I wondered allowed. "I thought that you hated that kind of music."

"You told me that you wanted for me to be yours. I thought that if we were going to be together, I may as well try to take an interest in the art you're creating."

"What type of rock are you looking to listen to?" Sam asked her. 

"What's good?"

"Guns 'n' Roses, Mötley Crüe, Van Halen," Sam listed off.

"Led Zeppelin, Metallica, Iron Maiden," Ben added.

"Slayer, Slipknot, Marilyn Manson," I listed. 

"Cinderella, Skid Row, Poison," Ben continued.

"Eagles, Queen, Pink Floyd," Sam added.

"My Chemical Romance, Linkin Park, A Day to Remember," I went on. 

"AC/DC, Breaking Benjamin, Avenged Sevenfold," Sam listed, counting his fingers this time. 

"Sleeping with Sirens, Pierce the Veil, Bring Me the Horizon," I added to his list. 

"blink-182, Green Day, Sublime," Ben nodded. 

"And of course," I smiled, "Asking Alexandria."

"What do all of them sound like?" She asked.

"Zeppelin and Guns 'n' Roses are more bluesy, but some of their songs are upbeat," I explained. "While Eagles, Pink Floyd, and Queen are more classic rock."

"Van Halen, Metallica, AC/DC, and Iron Maiden are more '80's metal. They'll have longer songs and more solos," Sam stated.

"Slayer and Slipknot would be more on the heavy side of metal too. Along with Manson."

"blink, Green Day, and Sublime would be more punk." Sam paused. "Breaking Benjamin and Avenged would be more heavy metal."

"Sirens, Pierce, A Day to Remember, and Bring Me the Horizon are more post-hardcore and metalcore, sort of like us," Ben stated. "Linkin Park has more rap in it, kind of a fusion genre. My Chem is kind of on the emo side of things."

"Cinderella, Skid Row, and Poison would all be the hair metal bands. That's arena rock."

"God, there's so many of them." Ryan's eyes were wide. 

"There are indeed," I agreed. "But once you find someone that you like, you can listen to more bands that sound like that. Mostly though, I just hope that you like us."

"Right. Let me just check some of them out." She reached into her pocket and took her phone out.

"You can play it without headphones," I told her, seeing that she was also reaching into her pocket for a second item. "We don't mind."

"Well, thanks, I guess." She smiled a tiny smile, opening up Spotify to play something that we'd suggested.