Can You Keep A Secret (Denis Stoff)

2

Ben's POV: 

The door to my hotel room opened, and I immediately jumped off of my bed. "Give me some good news, " I begged Lily. 

"Well, he's supposed to be out in a week, " She said. "But there's also some bad news."

"Which is what?" I asked nervously. Don't tell me something bad, please don't tell me something bad. 

"I think that he's self-harming again. He mentioned having razor blades hidden, and I gave him cigarettes. I don't know if they're just for smoking though. And......I saw the scars," She looked away, hiding her sadness. "Ben, they're so bad. Why didn't we do anything? Why didn't we see it?" 

I went over to her and hugged her tightly, kissing the top of her head. "Sometimes, you can't stop things from happening. But he's still alive. He might be weak, but he's still alive. And that's all that we can hope for right now."

"I feel like it's my fault," She confessed quietly. 

I could feel her crying against my shirt. "It's not your fault. You can't blame yourself for it."

"I'm his best friend. I have to be there for him. And......this. I don't know what to think. I thought that I was a good friend. I thought that he was happy."

"He was really good at hiding it."

"I miss him. The real him."

"I miss Denis too."

"He made a friend. But I don't know how close they are. He thinks that no one will ever love him. And he's jealous of our relationship."

"It's good that he's making friends. Maybe they could help each other." I never though of him as a lonely person. But then again, he never really did seem like he wasn't.....alone. Always by himself. Never really texting anyone, but staring at his phone with longing. As though he wished that he was in a relationship. 

"I can't even draw anymore, Ben. I'm afraid of what might come out of my head."

I let go of her and went to the desk in the hotel room, finding a notebook and pen. I handed it to her. "You need to release it somehow. I know that you're scared of it, but sometimes the best therapy comes from letting your demons out. How do you think that I dealt with Danny leaving?"

There was a long silence. It had been a while since we'd spoken of Danny. I don't know what her relationship with him was like. They were really close back when he first met her, but they seemed to grow apart. And when Danny left, Lily seemed upset, but said nothing. She took the paper and pen. "I'll do it." And then she sat down at the desk and began drawing. 

I myself wonder how Denis is holding up. Only Lily ever went to see him. I tried to, but she told me that he wouldn't like it if someone else went after the first time. He was really bad that day. He told her that he'd never come back. That he would try to die there. He told her that he didn't need anyone's pity. But that he trusted her. Even though he though that she was nicer to him now, but he believed that she wouldn't try to lie to him about how he's a good person. 

I don't know, Lily doesn't strike me as a brutally straightforward person, but that's between the two of them. 

After around a half an hour had passed, Lily stopped drawing. "Uhhhhh- Ben?" 

I sat up, since I was laying on the bed in the room. "What?" I asked. She motioned for me to come to her, and so I did. When I saw her drawing, I immediately understood why she'd called me over. "How did you even do that?" I asked.

The drawing was of a bloody knife with Denis's face reflecting off of the metal. Even his expression matched the mood of the drawing perfectly. It wasn't scared, or sad, but......numb.

"I don't know, I just.....did it." She crumpled it up and then threw it into the wastebasket. "Don't worry about it, though. I won't do it again."

I know that the drawing was really not something that one should be drawing, but when Lily left the room in about five minutes, I took it out of the basket. I rummaged through my things until I found the death note that Denis had written to me, and then found a paperclip to keep the two things together. 

Don't ask why. If you have to ask why, then you would never understand. 

He told me in the note that I would never understand the way that he feels. I never really thought him to be a jealous guy. But he could have been. Or maybe he was referring to the fact that people seemed to like me more than they like him. It was a strange thought to have. I never really thought that it bugged him.

Maybe I should have been paying more attention. 

I shook the thought away. I told Lily that she couldn't blame herself for this, that doesn't mean that I'm allowed to blame myself for it. 

I took out my phone and stared at it. Lily never told me if he was allowed to have one or not. So it's all up to chance. I texted Denis.

Me: Hey

There was an immediate response, but not one that I was expecting. 

Denis: This message will be sent to everyone who tries to reach this number: I don't care what pity you want to give me. This is over, officially. If there is an emergency in which you must reach me, please text 05631 for more details. 

I did as he asked me to and texted the number. The response was much slower.

Unknown: Is Lily dying?

Me: No. It's you, just you

Unknown: I'm very much alive. I'll see you in a week.

Me: But will I really see you? Or just a hollow shell of your former self?

Unknown: Fuck off

I put my phone back down. Lily was right, he really didn't want to talk to anyone else. 

Where did we go wrong?